Mirror, Mirror

Dear Soul Sisters, 

A good friend of mine is going through a rough breakup right now and it is causing me a dilemma. This partner was never someone I liked or approved of in the first place, but the way she is behaving in the course of their breaking up is infuriating me! Cheating, lying and even a little stealing for good measure. The worst part is she totally presents herself as this groovy spiritual chick. Blah! 

I am so tempted to call her up and blast her, or at the very least unfriend her on Facebook, but I am conflicted on two levels. First, I know that this will probably hurt my friend more than help her and secondly, I present myself as a groovy spiritual chick too so what does that say about ME? Help! 

Hurting for my friend 

 "...A relationship is a great gift, not because it makes us happy - it often doesn't - but because any intimate relationship, if we view it as a practice, is the clearest mirror we can find." --Charlotte Joko Beck

Dear Hurting,

We're sorry that you are hurting and send you lots of love and light. It's never easy to see our friends in pain and the natural inclination is to lash out and defend those we love. We'd ask you to refrain and do some inner work instead. 

While it might not seem like it now, we'd invite you to take the highest spiritual perspective and see it as ALL in Divine Order! "ALL!!?!?" you might be asking? "Even the cheating, lying and stealing part?" To which we'd respond, "Yes, even that." And here's the doozy, "Especially that!" 

We believe that our souls create situations on this earthly plane to enable our healing. When real chaos and destruction arrive on the scene, they often signal a HUGE opportunity for overhaul! It sounds like this is less like a crumbling and more like a fire and brimstone sort of scene for this couple! From the outside looking in, it is often impossible to know the WHY and we'd simply encourage you to move through your process the best you can with where you are today. After all, that's our soul's purpose on the planet and all we can ever do. 

So, first, please know that this person IS doing the best she knows how. No matter how "groovy and spiritual" we are, we've all got work to do or we wouldn't still be here - we'd be off dancing with the angels! Again, we know that's disappointing and we'd invite you to spend some time really feeling into that disappointment. Because it sounds like there's a lot of judgement surfacing for you, we'd encourage you to work through the anger this is triggering in you. To do so, grab a tennis racket or similar item and beat the bed. Pretend that you are talking to this person and really let her have it. Say all the things you've been harboring and get it all up and out. Alternatively, you could punch a pillow to discharge your anger energy. It's ALWAYS a great idea to move this thorough you and not stuff it away or pretend that it's not there.

While you're doing this, see what else comes up for you. Is there a past situation that pops into your mind? Is there a former disappointment of your own that this reminds you of? Is this breakup bringing up an emotion that you buried long ago and are now ready to deal with? These situations that catch us off guard emotionally can be great gifts in helping us clear out and heal old emotional wounds that we have left open in our own lives. Journal about whatever arises for you. Let it flow and see what this situation is mirroring for you right now.

Once you have pin-pointed where this reaction, and the accompanying emotion, are coming from speak it out loud. Be really honest with yourself and speak the truth about these feelings and emotions. It's an old cliche, but oh so true, that "The truth will set you free!" Speaking the truth, and allowing it to be so, even if it is something we would rather not admit, can be the key to liberating ourselves from these old patterns and emotions. You may find that just making the connection between your friend's breakup and your past experience or emotion will set you free. If not, repeat this release process as often as needed when you feel the judgement come up for you. 

Next, we'd direct you to our friend Colin Tipping. It sounds like some Radical Forgiveness is in order here! We'd suggest that you try The Three Letters Process. Through this exercise you'll again have the chance to really get your feelings up (blast her!) and out to this person. The beauty of the process, though, is that it will also help you to see the spiritual, soulful purpose of the situation. 

We would also suggest praying for your friend's former partner. We know! We know! This can be galling at first, but see if you can "fake it til you make it." Every day say a short prayer for her - you can include your friend as well - asking that the outcome of this situation be for the highest good of ALL. Ask to find forgiveness for yourself and for her former partner. As you pray, give this situation over to the Universe as much as you can. Let it go and know that ALL IS WELL. 

If you have never done A Course in Miracles, now might be a great time to give this spiritual practice a try. The Course is a channeled text and year-long workbook designed to help give you the experience non-judgement and Oneness. It also deals a lot with the concepts of attack and defense, which seem to be coming up for you right now. The Course says it like this, "Who would defend himself unless he thought he were attacked, that the attack were real, and that his own defense could save himself? And herein lies the folly of defense; it gives illusions full reality, and then attempts to handle them as real. It adds illusions to illusions, thus making correction doubly difficult. And it is this you do when you attempt to plan the future, activate the past, or organize the present as you wish." 

It sounds like there are many things you would like to change about this situation - past, present, and perhaps even future - but that is not your job in this world, nor is it in your power. By entering into an attack and defense mind-set you are perpetuating the illusion of the imperfection of this situation and causing yourself pain as well. Working with The Course may help you to let go of your human judgements about our friend's breakup and to make peace with it.

As far as Facebook and how to handle the real life interactions, we'd invite you to follow your heart. Spend some time in meditation and see what surfaces for you. Maybe you do need to unfriend this person for now as part of your healing process, or, maybe you can reach a place of compassion for her and remain "friends." Perhaps you'll land some place in between. Wherever you are today, know it's PERFECT!!! Some relationships are meant to last lifetimes and others come into our lives for a few seasons. See if you can hear your heart's truth about how to proceed here. 

And finally, we'd encourage you to direct real time, love and energy to the friend that's going through the break up. Ask what she needs from you in terms of love and support. Maybe it's space, maybe it's fun outings or maybe it's just to know that you are loving her in her time of pain. As much as you can, stay away from bashing the other party or playing the blame game. Relationships come to an end when they are meant to and "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," (Semisonic) By holding space for your friend that this end is making way for another glorious beginning, your support will come with the high vibration of love! Again, if anger and judgment surface, repeat the release step! It's bound to happen! 

Sending you much peace, oneness, love & light. You've been handed an amazing growth opportunity and we laud you for accepting your Divine assignment! 

Jennifer & Lara

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