Making Marriage Work

Dear Soul Sisters-

I'm a newlywed and love my husband very much. But living with him day to day feels REALLY hard at times. I know marriage is not all about the honeymoon and I'm committed to building our life together, but sometimes it just feels impossible and I feel like I want to run away! Help!

Newlywed & Needing Advice

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” --Doug Larson

Dear Newlywed-

Thanks so much for your question. As married women ourselves, we totally hear you and can empathize! Modern marriage, while a path with much promise, takes patience, perseverance and sometimes, LOTS of personal space. It's also one that, through conscious connection, can deliver much joy, unity and rewards worthy of the title True Romance! We're happy to help!

First of all, congrats on feeling your feelings. It's not always easy to admit to ourselves that our Prince Charming drives us nuts! You are not alone. It's very natural to feel the ebb and flow of intimacy and to experience periods of intense anger, frustration and fear. We'd be shocked in fact if you weren't!

We'd suggest that you start by writing what's coming up for you in your private journal. Get it all out on paper, in a safe and sacred space where you can be totally honest about ALL of your feelings, even the really mean, judgmental and fearful ones. While they might not look like it, these are a gateway to finding forgiveness. From a soul perspective, we often marry someone who'll push exactly the right buttons to find our original wounds and deepest heartbreak. In order to heal these, we need to work through the pain rather than run away lest we continue to repeat the pattern with man after man, spouse after spouse. It's no accident that your husband is triggering you and again, it's why you were attracted to him in the first place!

For more on this, look into the work of longtime couple Hedy and Yumi who inspire others to understand the wisdom and joy of partnership. They have a powerful practice called Crossing the Bridge which you can find on their website. Noting how we are often attracted to our opposite, Hedy and Yumi explain how the very things that drew us together eventually become the things we pick apart! And while we're on the subject of wise examples, we'd invite you to watch a wonderful film called "How Will We Love?" It's is available free on YouTube for your inspiration!

Here are some of our top tips for making it over the long haul:

Open and Honest Communication. We can't stress this one enough. As hard as it may be at times, speaking your truth to your partner is the only way to go. Unspoken truths have a way of building into resentments that fester and cause unseen damage. Speaking the hard truth requires courage – as does hearing it – but it is an effort that is well worthwhile. We always find that the anticipation of the “moment of truth” is far worse than the moment itself. In fact, what we often feel after speaking the whole truth is sweet relief. 

We're big fans of Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication and recommend that you check out his work or read his book. Basically, he teaches you how to communicate your needs and feelings with love in a direct way. Keep in mind that in order to make this work you also need to be willing to HEAR hard truths with love.

Face Each Other Every Day. This advice comes via John Gottman of The Gottman Relationship Institute and goes hand-in-hand with #1. In order to have open and honest communication you need to MAKE time for it. Spend ten minutes every day face to face with your partner. Really LOOK at them. Really LISTEN to them. Really TALK to them. If open and honest communication is the foundation of a good relationship, this is the maintenance that couples can do every single day. We would highly recommend Gottman's book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” for even more tips on strengthening your bond and going the distance.

Don't Be Afraid to Get Help. We all need help sometimes and marriage is no exception! If you've been struggling for awhile, or if a new issue crops up and you find yourselves locked in conflict, find someone to talk to, either as a couple or individually. Ideally find this person BEFORE you're in crisis so you have someone at the ready when you need them. Whether it's for one session or a series of sessions, couples counseling can be just the thing to get you back on track when you are faltering and the rewards are often invaluable! 

Remember that Men are Different than Women. When we first fall in love, so much of our focus is on what we have in common, but men and women are really quite different; physically, emotionally, even spiritually. Don't expect your man to act - or react - the same way as you do about most things and honor his emotional process. While it's VERY different, his process is as valuable and valid as yours! For more on how we are different creatures, check out the work of Allison Armstrong on Understanding Men. Her insights into how we differ - both biologically and socially - save women vast amounts of time and unnecessary hurt. Sharing this with your man can be both bonding and illuminating too! For a few good laughs on this subject, watch this:

Don't be Afraid to have Bad Married Sex. We love to give this advice to newlyweds because it kind of freaks them out, but we are serious! Sometimes – especially once you have kids (if you are planning to have them) - you just don't have time for the “full meal deal” or you aren't really in the mood for sex at all. But, keeping your sex life humming is a huge step towards greater intimacy. Even quickie sex or bad sex, if both partners you are willing, can bring you closer together AND improve your mood.

Give Each Other as Much Freedom as You Can. When we first get married much of what we love and enjoy is the togetherness. After years of being single and alone, it feels really good to be part of a couple, to know you have a date for major holidays and have someone to come home to at night. But, after awhile, most couples find they need some spaces in their togetherness. We turn to Kahlil Gibran here,

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
(From "The Prophet")

Increased freedom will help keep your relationship - and the individuals in it - happy. And that makes for a healthy relationship.

Take Care of Yourself. In order to bring your best self to your marriage, you need to take good care of yourself as well as your partner. Make sure you put taking care of yourself at the top of your priority list and set proper boundaries. This doesn't mean shutting your partner out emotionally but sometimes it might mean shutting the door! Here are some ways to care for yourself while in relationship:

~ Take a nap alone

~ Take a long, hot bath with candles & sea salt

~ Take a walk in nature or make a day hike out of it

~ Treat yourself to a spa session or lunch date for one

~ Take time to pursue YOUR individual interests

~ Keep your friends a priority and make new connections along the way

As women awaken on the planet and step into their power, we see their work becoming more dominant in their lives and their marriages less so. Dr. John Gray, Mr. Mars & Venus, agrees. In fact, he sees the secret to success in marriage is for women to view men as the dessert and not our whole meal. Gone is the model of Mad Men where we sit home like Betty Draper expecting our man to meet our needs when he gets there! If your needs are not being met in the current set-up or schedule, it's YOUR responsibility to advocate for yourself. Like the old adage goes, put your oxygen mask on first! If, after taking a little time alone, you still feel off balance, we'd suggest looking into a women's retreat or taking a solo vacation. While your partner might be hurt at first, let him know that you need time alone so that you can be a better partner to him. Explaining our motives with love and compassion can save lots of pain and frustration down the line!

Stay in the Moment. When we are in the midst of a difficult time or a tense moment with our partner it's easy to get overwhelmed and think, “This is how it's going to be FOREVER!” This is our mind working in conjunction with our Ego to keep us stuck in conflict. When this happens, imagine a wise-cracking Grandma saying to you, “Honey, this is only a moment; it's not the rest of your life.” (This quote is from an interview in O magazine with Juilana Marguiles. It's what her mother tells her when she's having a bad parenting moment.) Take some time to breathe and come back to your center whenever you are feeling overwhelmed by the idea of FOREVER. Remember that neither the good nor the bad is permanent. "This too shall pass." A bad moment shall soon be replaced by a moment that will remind you why you fell in love with this person in the first place. 

Here's to opening to intimacy, feeling your feelings and getting your socks knocked off over and over again! It's not always easy but marriage IS well worth it - for you, for him and for the forgiveness we inevitably find along the way! We leave you with the wise words of love expert Leo Buscaglia, "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Jennifer & Lara 

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