Being Patient (with Yourself) on the Path

Dear Soul Sisters,

I consider myself a seeker on the path, but I find it really hard to be enlightened all the time. Today, while doing my laundry a neighbor sneaked her laundry in ahead of mine even though I was waiting there first. It REALLY pushed my buttons. I found myself getting incredibly angry and my first instinct was to retaliate her rudeness with my own bad behavior. Does this still happen to you? What's a person to do when this situation strikes? I thought I'd come so far and I feel really let down by this reaction in myself. Thank you.

"It doesn't matter how often you forget, only how soon you remember." ~Buddha

Dear I Thought I'd Come So Far,

Thanks so much for your question – and for having the courage to ask it. So often when we have our awakening and start on the spiritual path we get sucked into thinking, This is it; I have arrived!, and that we will no longer have struggles and slip ups. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, often starting our spiritual work only ensures that we will uncover some dark stuff because we all have it. We all have forgotten and repressed parts of ourselves that we have tried to bury, cover up and disown. But the fact is, it doesn't work. Sooner or later our shadow selves need to come to the light too. We are happy to offer some tips on what to do next.

First of all, we want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! No matter how enlightened one becomes, we are all still spiritual beings having a spiritual experience in human form. Emotions, even "disturbing" ones like anger, are part of the package. Learning to work with our more uncomfortable emotions is warrior's work and really what the spiritual path is all about. If it was easy we'd all be enlightened already and there would be no need for "Earth school" any longer.

When you experience anger, or other negative emotions, we'd invite you to really FEEL into it. Eckhart Tolle says, "Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath," and we couldn't agree more. Anger is a signal from yourself that something - perhaps a bigger pain - lies underneath and is ready to be healed. Next time it comes up, allow the anger to settle into your soul and see what deeper hurt emerges. You might not be able to do this in the laundry room but we'd invite you to spend some time in quiet meditation or journaling as soon as you can and see what emerges.

Your anger could be triggered by some past experience which felt similarly painful and this incident brought these memories to the surface for you. We have a feeling that as soon as you can really understand it, you'll be poised to more easily release the pain. We like how John Dryden puts it here, "Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten." Discovering and releasing past resentments is the fastest way of forgetting that we know!

What can you do in the midst of a flare up though? It sounds like you did a great job in this case of not reacting by retaliating. Sometimes, especially with family, it's not so easy to do that so congratulations! Here is a "simple" 7-step process we have designed to help you in the heat of the moment:

1) STOP. Just stop. Interrupting the automatic flow of your emotions and reactions can often derail any lower-self impulses and allow you to make a better choice.

2) BREATHE. Breathe and breathe again. Allow space inside yourself for the energy of anger to diffuse.

3) NOTICE. Notice the thoughts you are having. Watch them in your mind like a movie for a few minutes.

4) SHARE. Share what you're noticing with yourself, "I notice I am enraged now." "I notice I want to scream at this person."

5) WONDER. Say to yourself, "I wonder what deeper pain or hurt is here for my healing?" "I wonder what past pain this is triggering?"

6) INTEND. Intend to spend some time now - or later - digging deeper into the anger of this episode through meditation or journaling.

7) BREATHE. Breathe and breathe again. Often by doing these steps, we can say nothing and move though an incident without engaging the other person in a battle.

If you are in the middle of a discussion (or argument) with someone else when anger comes up, you can still use these steps, perhaps taking a bit more time with each of them. Stop whatever you are doing – yelling, blaming, hating, judging – whatever negative and destructive behavior you are indulging in, just stop. Take a few deep breaths and come back to yourself. Walk away if you have to or ask for a break and ground yourself into your body and into the earth. Take a few moments to do a brief grounding meditation. Feel yourself fully connected to the Earth. Breathe and know that you are safe.

Now feel what you are feeling. Name it. Locate it. Where it is in your body? Allow yourself to feel it. Watch it shrink and grow, shrink and grow as you give it some attention. Does it hurt? Does it feel good? Is it comforting or scary? Sometimes conditioned ways of feeling and reacting become so engrained in us that we actually feel better once we react in our usual way. If this is the case, it is going to be particularly necessary to stay very present when an incident occurs. You are literally changing the neuropathways in your brain! Not easy work, but well worth the effort.

Once you have felt your feelings, it is time to do some forgiveness work on yourself. Here we are going to turn once again to our forgiveness guru, Colin Tipping. He offers a great worksheet for self forgiveness that we would highly recommend, as well as a Self-Forgiveness/Self-Acceptance online program, if you want to go deeper and work with some of your patterns around this issue. You may also wish to ask God, The Universe or your Higher Self to help you forgive yourself and let the incident go so you can move forward in peace.

Don't be afraid to ask for some help. Sometimes when an issue is particularly deep, long-standing or ingrained, we need some help to work with it. Find a therapist, lightworker, massage therapist, psychic or even a trusted friend or prayer partner to support you in your journey to wholeness. Ask the Universe to help you find the perfect person to work with you on this issue and then see where you are led and what resonates for you. If you see a card on a bulletin board that lights up for you, make an appointment; if a friend is talking about a great therapist they know, ask for a referral. Let the Universe provide what you need by being open to the bounty of help available around you!

Take care of yourself. Notice the situations that trigger an incident and avoid those situations. Do you lose your temper when you are tired, when you have been working too much, not exercising, drinking alcohol? Our bodies are the conduits for our feelings and experiences and when they are not working at their optimal level, they can only handle so much input. Design your life so that you are ready – most of the time anyway – for whatever life throws at you. Take the best care of yourself you can every day and you will find that things will be easier to handle when they do come up. Make a list of your “must dos” - those things that you need to stay centered and grounded in your power – and make them a priority every day. We would recommend sleep, diet, exercise, and prayer or meditation as areas to consider when building this list.

We'd also invite you to remember that life is a mirror. As Ernest Holmes writes, “Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it.” Perhaps what happened in the laundry room was a reflection of some thoughts you were holding about the person in question? The more we become conscious of this tendency, the more we're able to watch our thoughts. Again, this is often easier to both notice and shift with loved ones with whom we live or spend much more time with.

Let's take an example. If it's the holidays and you head to an event expecting Aunt Edie to ALWAYS be late and say something that hurts your feelings chances are you'll show up with those thoughts and fears in your consciousness. When Aunt Edie arrives, your thoughts will beam out judgement, worry and fear. Chances are Aunt Edie's behavior WILL match and reflect your own expectations back to you like a mirror. We are always getting back what we're holding. The more we can remember this and hold loving thoughts and non-judgment, the more beautiful our experiences will be! Again, this is PRACTICE along the path, Dear One!

Finally, cut yourself some slack. We suggest these steps as an ideal and something to work up to as we all progress on our path. Life happens and we will have some moments where we remember to invite our highest selves to the experience and others when we WILL react, shout, scream and become enraged! Your spirit self IS LOVE and ONLY LOVE, and that is what you are striving to live more of in your physical life as well, but your human self is here to learn lessons and making mistakes along the way is a part of the process. Always try to do your best, but also know that whatever you are doing IS your best at that moment and be gentle with your human self. Perfection is unattainable on this plane and should never be your goal.

We send you peace, oneness, light and love as you continue to work with your anger and other difficult emotions. Know that you are never alone and keep asking for assistance along the way!

Jennifer & Lara

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