Making Marriage Work

Dear Soul Sisters-

I'm a newlywed and love my husband very much. But living with him day to day feels REALLY hard at times. I know marriage is not all about the honeymoon and I'm committed to building our life together, but sometimes it just feels impossible and I feel like I want to run away! Help!

Newlywed & Needing Advice

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” --Doug Larson

Dear Newlywed-

Thanks so much for your question. As married women ourselves, we totally hear you and can empathize! Modern marriage, while a path with much promise, takes patience, perseverance and sometimes, LOTS of personal space. It's also one that, through conscious connection, can deliver much joy, unity and rewards worthy of the title True Romance! We're happy to help!

First of all, congrats on feeling your feelings. It's not always easy to admit to ourselves that our Prince Charming drives us nuts! You are not alone. It's very natural to feel the ebb and flow of intimacy and to experience periods of intense anger, frustration and fear. We'd be shocked in fact if you weren't!

We'd suggest that you start by writing what's coming up for you in your private journal. Get it all out on paper, in a safe and sacred space where you can be totally honest about ALL of your feelings, even the really mean, judgmental and fearful ones. While they might not look like it, these are a gateway to finding forgiveness. From a soul perspective, we often marry someone who'll push exactly the right buttons to find our original wounds and deepest heartbreak. In order to heal these, we need to work through the pain rather than run away lest we continue to repeat the pattern with man after man, spouse after spouse. It's no accident that your husband is triggering you and again, it's why you were attracted to him in the first place!

For more on this, look into the work of longtime couple Hedy and Yumi who inspire others to understand the wisdom and joy of partnership. They have a powerful practice called Crossing the Bridge which you can find on their website. Noting how we are often attracted to our opposite, Hedy and Yumi explain how the very things that drew us together eventually become the things we pick apart! And while we're on the subject of wise examples, we'd invite you to watch a wonderful film called "How Will We Love?" It's is available free on YouTube for your inspiration!

Here are some of our top tips for making it over the long haul:

Open and Honest Communication. We can't stress this one enough. As hard as it may be at times, speaking your truth to your partner is the only way to go. Unspoken truths have a way of building into resentments that fester and cause unseen damage. Speaking the hard truth requires courage – as does hearing it – but it is an effort that is well worthwhile. We always find that the anticipation of the “moment of truth” is far worse than the moment itself. In fact, what we often feel after speaking the whole truth is sweet relief. 

We're big fans of Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication and recommend that you check out his work or read his book. Basically, he teaches you how to communicate your needs and feelings with love in a direct way. Keep in mind that in order to make this work you also need to be willing to HEAR hard truths with love.

Face Each Other Every Day. This advice comes via John Gottman of The Gottman Relationship Institute and goes hand-in-hand with #1. In order to have open and honest communication you need to MAKE time for it. Spend ten minutes every day face to face with your partner. Really LOOK at them. Really LISTEN to them. Really TALK to them. If open and honest communication is the foundation of a good relationship, this is the maintenance that couples can do every single day. We would highly recommend Gottman's book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” for even more tips on strengthening your bond and going the distance.

Don't Be Afraid to Get Help. We all need help sometimes and marriage is no exception! If you've been struggling for awhile, or if a new issue crops up and you find yourselves locked in conflict, find someone to talk to, either as a couple or individually. Ideally find this person BEFORE you're in crisis so you have someone at the ready when you need them. Whether it's for one session or a series of sessions, couples counseling can be just the thing to get you back on track when you are faltering and the rewards are often invaluable! 

Remember that Men are Different than Women. When we first fall in love, so much of our focus is on what we have in common, but men and women are really quite different; physically, emotionally, even spiritually. Don't expect your man to act - or react - the same way as you do about most things and honor his emotional process. While it's VERY different, his process is as valuable and valid as yours! For more on how we are different creatures, check out the work of Allison Armstrong on Understanding Men. Her insights into how we differ - both biologically and socially - save women vast amounts of time and unnecessary hurt. Sharing this with your man can be both bonding and illuminating too! For a few good laughs on this subject, watch this:

Don't be Afraid to have Bad Married Sex. We love to give this advice to newlyweds because it kind of freaks them out, but we are serious! Sometimes – especially once you have kids (if you are planning to have them) - you just don't have time for the “full meal deal” or you aren't really in the mood for sex at all. But, keeping your sex life humming is a huge step towards greater intimacy. Even quickie sex or bad sex, if both partners you are willing, can bring you closer together AND improve your mood.

Give Each Other as Much Freedom as You Can. When we first get married much of what we love and enjoy is the togetherness. After years of being single and alone, it feels really good to be part of a couple, to know you have a date for major holidays and have someone to come home to at night. But, after awhile, most couples find they need some spaces in their togetherness. We turn to Kahlil Gibran here,

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
(From "The Prophet")

Increased freedom will help keep your relationship - and the individuals in it - happy. And that makes for a healthy relationship.

Take Care of Yourself. In order to bring your best self to your marriage, you need to take good care of yourself as well as your partner. Make sure you put taking care of yourself at the top of your priority list and set proper boundaries. This doesn't mean shutting your partner out emotionally but sometimes it might mean shutting the door! Here are some ways to care for yourself while in relationship:

~ Take a nap alone

~ Take a long, hot bath with candles & sea salt

~ Take a walk in nature or make a day hike out of it

~ Treat yourself to a spa session or lunch date for one

~ Take time to pursue YOUR individual interests

~ Keep your friends a priority and make new connections along the way

As women awaken on the planet and step into their power, we see their work becoming more dominant in their lives and their marriages less so. Dr. John Gray, Mr. Mars & Venus, agrees. In fact, he sees the secret to success in marriage is for women to view men as the dessert and not our whole meal. Gone is the model of Mad Men where we sit home like Betty Draper expecting our man to meet our needs when he gets there! If your needs are not being met in the current set-up or schedule, it's YOUR responsibility to advocate for yourself. Like the old adage goes, put your oxygen mask on first! If, after taking a little time alone, you still feel off balance, we'd suggest looking into a women's retreat or taking a solo vacation. While your partner might be hurt at first, let him know that you need time alone so that you can be a better partner to him. Explaining our motives with love and compassion can save lots of pain and frustration down the line!

Stay in the Moment. When we are in the midst of a difficult time or a tense moment with our partner it's easy to get overwhelmed and think, “This is how it's going to be FOREVER!” This is our mind working in conjunction with our Ego to keep us stuck in conflict. When this happens, imagine a wise-cracking Grandma saying to you, “Honey, this is only a moment; it's not the rest of your life.” (This quote is from an interview in O magazine with Juilana Marguiles. It's what her mother tells her when she's having a bad parenting moment.) Take some time to breathe and come back to your center whenever you are feeling overwhelmed by the idea of FOREVER. Remember that neither the good nor the bad is permanent. "This too shall pass." A bad moment shall soon be replaced by a moment that will remind you why you fell in love with this person in the first place. 

Here's to opening to intimacy, feeling your feelings and getting your socks knocked off over and over again! It's not always easy but marriage IS well worth it - for you, for him and for the forgiveness we inevitably find along the way! We leave you with the wise words of love expert Leo Buscaglia, "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Jennifer & Lara 

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Keeping Kids Safe and Yourself Sane

Dear Soul Sisters,

I have always been a worried mother. The thought of losing my kids, especially to a kidnapper or pedophile, makes me seize up with terror. Lately my kids have been letting me know that they need more freedom and I have been trying to give it to them, but last week a man in our neighborhood tried to get a junior high school girl to go with him and it has set me back years of letting go. I can't get it out of my head. Even though I know statistically speaking that the chances of this happening to my kids is very slim, the mother in me just can't take that chance. How can I give my kids the freedom they need AND keep them safe and myself sane? Thanks for your help.

Worried Mom

“They look so small and frail

but they are so great and magnificent.

They are born of the same womb

that birthed the cosmos

and knitted together the galaxies.

If you could see them as they truly are,

you would be astounded.

You would see not little children,

but dancing clouds of light,

energy in motion,

swimming in an ocean of love.

They are so much more that what you see.

As are you.”

--William Martin from “The Parent's Tao Te Ching”

Dear Worried Mom:

Thank you for your question and lots of love to you during this scary time in your neighborhood. What a frightening incident to have happen WAY too close to home; it must make you feel so unsafe. We are happy to help you find some peace around this issue and lovingly address your children's need for increased freedom too.

When you feel the fear welling up, breathe. Breathe in and out deeply to connect yourself to Source. The mind has a tendency to leap from one fearful thought to another – especially after an inciting incident - and breathing cuts that circuit. Do this as often as you need to and feel the peace in your day.

We have a feeling that in this case there is a real fear of "losing" your children. On one level, this is triggered by the attempted abduction and on the other, by your children’s asking for more freedom. As they grow into their own individuals, they will move further and further from your safe, loving nest. That in itself is scary for a mothers whose job it’s been to feed, clothe, and protect them since birth. Be gentle with yourself around this. You have simply been doing your job! Ask God, Spirit, Source, The Universe for strength and courage as you transition your role over the years to come.

Perhaps the best place to start is with the knowledge that none of us is ever completely safe. Helen Keller says it best for us, “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.” We can never know what is around the next corner, a bus or an angel. Each breath we take, each step we take may be our last and unfortunately the same is true for our children. We’d invite you to spend some time alone in quiet meditation really feeling the full force of the fear this incident brought up in you. Get centered and tune into your heart. Ask it, in this still space, "What do I need to know? What am I afraid of?" Let yourself feel completely the terror of not knowing what comes next for yourself or for your children. Really feel the fear of this unknowingness and then let it go. Do this a few times and again as often as you need to and whenever this issue comes up for you. The more you work with this knowledge, we believe, the more comfortable you will be with this basic truth of life.

At the same time remind yourself that ALL IS WELL. As physical beings we are vulnerable; as spiritual beings we are invincible. On this level we are never in danger. We are always safe, up to and including the moment of our death. Take this (ALL IS WELL) as your mantra for the next few weeks. Say it to yourself as often as you can, chant it while meditating, write it on a sticky note and post it on your bathroom mirror. As with the idea that we are not safe, really feel into this idea that ALL IS WELL, always. Accepting these two seemingly contradictory truths as equally true at all times is difficult, but it is on the razor's edge of these two truths that life is truly lived.

That is how we would suggest you proceed as well – on two levels. First, the physical level. This is the “Taking Care of Business” level. You want your kids to be safe and you want them to have room to grow as individuals into confident and competent adults. In order to do both, you need to have lots of information and lots of good conversations with your kids. We would recommend the book, “Free Range Kids” by Lenore Skenazy. You may recognize her name. She is the New York City mom who let her 9 year old ride the subway by himself and was branded, “World's Worst Mom.” She didn't take this lying down and started a blog about why kids are safer than we think they are (and as safe as we were). We think you will find the book very comforting and hopefully get some great tips on working with this issue.

Once you have done some work with your emotions and gotten some clarity around this issue, the next order of business is this: Talk to your kids. A lot. Talk to them about your fears and their need for freedom. Express YOUR true feelings about how much you love them, how sacred you were when this happened and about your own very real and authentic struggle to let them spread their wings even more. Kids really respond well when we tell the truth! By being vulnerable AND honest, you’ll model this for your kids and give them a great example of compassionate communication.

Ask your kids what they would do in certain situations and make sure they are ready for things that might come up. Before giving them the freedom to walk to school or a friend's house on their own have a “dry run” where you follow them, either on foot or in the car. Plan out the route they are to take ahead of time and make contingencies for things that might go wrong. Have them point out neighbors or businesses where they could stop along the way for help. Make sure they know things like always ask a parent with kids for help first and not to respond to a request from an adult for help if it doesn't make sense or requires they go with them. Each time they ask for a new freedom that makes you nervous talk through it together, make a plan and then trust the Universe to take care of them.

Which brings us to the Spiritual level. Here there are many things you can do to help keep them safe and help you to feel better about them being out in the world. First, PRAY. The tool of mothers from time immemorial. When you send them off to school or to a friend's house, say a little prayer to God, Spirit, or the Universe that they be kept safe. We love to use the Unity Prayer for Protection by James Dillet Freeman in situations like this. (CLICK HERE to watch a beautiful video version.) While praying, set the intention that they be safe and protected and that YOU feel the peace of knowing they are always safe in God's arms.

For added protection as your children enjoy increased freedom, ask their Guides or Angels to surround them and keep them safe. A great one for this is Archangel Michael, the Angel of Courage, Protection and Peace. In her book, The Miracles of Archangel Michael, Doreen Virtue gives real-life stories of protection, peace, courage and confidence that Michael has to offer. Know that Michael, like all of the Angels, is always available for you to call on to feel safe, watched over and loved. You can make a general request for him to guard and protect your children in the world and to remain with them, keeping them from harm. If there’s a situation where they seek freedom and you are feeling sacred, ask Michael to be with them. You can NEVER ask too often and knowing he’s there can take the pressure off of you to be there with them!

You can also picture them walking into a huge egg-shaped light blue energy shield or enclosed in a safe container of light. Ask for what you need in that moment. Ask for their safety. Ask that you feel comfortable with them being out in the world. Ask for an Angel to do your worrying for you. Whatever you need in that moment, ASK.

As you move forward in life, and your children continue to grow, they will move more and more into the world on their own terms. This process of letting go will continue until one day they are adults and are completely responsible for themselves and their safety. Thankfully this process happens slowly and over time so mothers have a chance to get used to it. Prepare for it one day at a time, always trying to stay in this moment right now. Ask yourself, “Are my children safe right now?” and dwell in the security of knowing that they are.

Finally we would like to leave you with two more of our favorite quotes on parenting. First from Marcelene Cox, “A child does not thrive on what he is prevented from doing, but on what he actually does.” And from Kahlil Gibran, one of the most profound poems on parenting we have ever read:

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He also loves the bow that is stable. "

We send you much love and light as you work thorough your feelings, express them with love and call on the Divine light and protection of God and Archangel Michael. We see your family safe, sound, happy and free!!! 

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Jennifer & Lara 

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Being Patient (with Yourself) on the Path

Dear Soul Sisters,

I consider myself a seeker on the path, but I find it really hard to be enlightened all the time. Today, while doing my laundry a neighbor sneaked her laundry in ahead of mine even though I was waiting there first. It REALLY pushed my buttons. I found myself getting incredibly angry and my first instinct was to retaliate her rudeness with my own bad behavior. Does this still happen to you? What's a person to do when this situation strikes? I thought I'd come so far and I feel really let down by this reaction in myself. Thank you.

"It doesn't matter how often you forget, only how soon you remember." ~Buddha

Dear I Thought I'd Come So Far,

Thanks so much for your question – and for having the courage to ask it. So often when we have our awakening and start on the spiritual path we get sucked into thinking, This is it; I have arrived!, and that we will no longer have struggles and slip ups. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, often starting our spiritual work only ensures that we will uncover some dark stuff because we all have it. We all have forgotten and repressed parts of ourselves that we have tried to bury, cover up and disown. But the fact is, it doesn't work. Sooner or later our shadow selves need to come to the light too. We are happy to offer some tips on what to do next.

First of all, we want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! No matter how enlightened one becomes, we are all still spiritual beings having a spiritual experience in human form. Emotions, even "disturbing" ones like anger, are part of the package. Learning to work with our more uncomfortable emotions is warrior's work and really what the spiritual path is all about. If it was easy we'd all be enlightened already and there would be no need for "Earth school" any longer.

When you experience anger, or other negative emotions, we'd invite you to really FEEL into it. Eckhart Tolle says, "Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath," and we couldn't agree more. Anger is a signal from yourself that something - perhaps a bigger pain - lies underneath and is ready to be healed. Next time it comes up, allow the anger to settle into your soul and see what deeper hurt emerges. You might not be able to do this in the laundry room but we'd invite you to spend some time in quiet meditation or journaling as soon as you can and see what emerges.

Your anger could be triggered by some past experience which felt similarly painful and this incident brought these memories to the surface for you. We have a feeling that as soon as you can really understand it, you'll be poised to more easily release the pain. We like how John Dryden puts it here, "Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten." Discovering and releasing past resentments is the fastest way of forgetting that we know!

What can you do in the midst of a flare up though? It sounds like you did a great job in this case of not reacting by retaliating. Sometimes, especially with family, it's not so easy to do that so congratulations! Here is a "simple" 7-step process we have designed to help you in the heat of the moment:

1) STOP. Just stop. Interrupting the automatic flow of your emotions and reactions can often derail any lower-self impulses and allow you to make a better choice.

2) BREATHE. Breathe and breathe again. Allow space inside yourself for the energy of anger to diffuse.

3) NOTICE. Notice the thoughts you are having. Watch them in your mind like a movie for a few minutes.

4) SHARE. Share what you're noticing with yourself, "I notice I am enraged now." "I notice I want to scream at this person."

5) WONDER. Say to yourself, "I wonder what deeper pain or hurt is here for my healing?" "I wonder what past pain this is triggering?"

6) INTEND. Intend to spend some time now - or later - digging deeper into the anger of this episode through meditation or journaling.

7) BREATHE. Breathe and breathe again. Often by doing these steps, we can say nothing and move though an incident without engaging the other person in a battle.

If you are in the middle of a discussion (or argument) with someone else when anger comes up, you can still use these steps, perhaps taking a bit more time with each of them. Stop whatever you are doing – yelling, blaming, hating, judging – whatever negative and destructive behavior you are indulging in, just stop. Take a few deep breaths and come back to yourself. Walk away if you have to or ask for a break and ground yourself into your body and into the earth. Take a few moments to do a brief grounding meditation. Feel yourself fully connected to the Earth. Breathe and know that you are safe.

Now feel what you are feeling. Name it. Locate it. Where it is in your body? Allow yourself to feel it. Watch it shrink and grow, shrink and grow as you give it some attention. Does it hurt? Does it feel good? Is it comforting or scary? Sometimes conditioned ways of feeling and reacting become so engrained in us that we actually feel better once we react in our usual way. If this is the case, it is going to be particularly necessary to stay very present when an incident occurs. You are literally changing the neuropathways in your brain! Not easy work, but well worth the effort.

Once you have felt your feelings, it is time to do some forgiveness work on yourself. Here we are going to turn once again to our forgiveness guru, Colin Tipping. He offers a great worksheet for self forgiveness that we would highly recommend, as well as a Self-Forgiveness/Self-Acceptance online program, if you want to go deeper and work with some of your patterns around this issue. You may also wish to ask God, The Universe or your Higher Self to help you forgive yourself and let the incident go so you can move forward in peace.

Don't be afraid to ask for some help. Sometimes when an issue is particularly deep, long-standing or ingrained, we need some help to work with it. Find a therapist, lightworker, massage therapist, psychic or even a trusted friend or prayer partner to support you in your journey to wholeness. Ask the Universe to help you find the perfect person to work with you on this issue and then see where you are led and what resonates for you. If you see a card on a bulletin board that lights up for you, make an appointment; if a friend is talking about a great therapist they know, ask for a referral. Let the Universe provide what you need by being open to the bounty of help available around you!

Take care of yourself. Notice the situations that trigger an incident and avoid those situations. Do you lose your temper when you are tired, when you have been working too much, not exercising, drinking alcohol? Our bodies are the conduits for our feelings and experiences and when they are not working at their optimal level, they can only handle so much input. Design your life so that you are ready – most of the time anyway – for whatever life throws at you. Take the best care of yourself you can every day and you will find that things will be easier to handle when they do come up. Make a list of your “must dos” - those things that you need to stay centered and grounded in your power – and make them a priority every day. We would recommend sleep, diet, exercise, and prayer or meditation as areas to consider when building this list.

We'd also invite you to remember that life is a mirror. As Ernest Holmes writes, “Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it.” Perhaps what happened in the laundry room was a reflection of some thoughts you were holding about the person in question? The more we become conscious of this tendency, the more we're able to watch our thoughts. Again, this is often easier to both notice and shift with loved ones with whom we live or spend much more time with.

Let's take an example. If it's the holidays and you head to an event expecting Aunt Edie to ALWAYS be late and say something that hurts your feelings chances are you'll show up with those thoughts and fears in your consciousness. When Aunt Edie arrives, your thoughts will beam out judgement, worry and fear. Chances are Aunt Edie's behavior WILL match and reflect your own expectations back to you like a mirror. We are always getting back what we're holding. The more we can remember this and hold loving thoughts and non-judgment, the more beautiful our experiences will be! Again, this is PRACTICE along the path, Dear One!

Finally, cut yourself some slack. We suggest these steps as an ideal and something to work up to as we all progress on our path. Life happens and we will have some moments where we remember to invite our highest selves to the experience and others when we WILL react, shout, scream and become enraged! Your spirit self IS LOVE and ONLY LOVE, and that is what you are striving to live more of in your physical life as well, but your human self is here to learn lessons and making mistakes along the way is a part of the process. Always try to do your best, but also know that whatever you are doing IS your best at that moment and be gentle with your human self. Perfection is unattainable on this plane and should never be your goal.

We send you peace, oneness, light and love as you continue to work with your anger and other difficult emotions. Know that you are never alone and keep asking for assistance along the way!

Jennifer & Lara

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