Dealing with Difficult Parents

Dear Soul Sisters,

I grew up in a home in which I was abused and neglected by my parents. I've
 worked really hard to release the negative energy from my body, to forgive 
my parents, and to find compassion for them and for myself. And in many
 respects I have. Much of the time, I even feel grateful for the suffering 
I've been through because of the insight it offers me into the suffering of
others and the deeper spiritual connection I found during the healing
 process.

 

The problem is interacting with them now. My Mom uses guilt, manipulation,
 helplessness and victimhood to try to get what she wants; my Dad is distant and lacks any ability to understand my feelings. "They're not going to
 change!" is what my sister has been telling me for years. And I know that.
 But, given that that is the case, I don't want to interact with them. I
 tried cutting myself off from them for a while but it was really hard on my 
kids, and on some level I know that isn't the best thing for me or for the 
world (and certainly not for my parents) either.

 

I have come to the realization that if they're not going to change and I'm
 not going to cut off from them, something is going to have to shift in me. I
 have tried everything I know, but my feelings basically vacillate between
 feeling nothing for them and wishing they were dead. I just tried to do a 
meditation on this with Jack Kornfield and had a vision of a bloody room and 
knives. I guess I must still be angry and I just don't know how to move
 through this.

 Can you help?

 Thanks!


Ready to let it go in the Midwest


“I am a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” - Byron Katie

Dear Ready to Let It Go,

Thanks so much for your letter and for sharing your incredible story with us. We'd like to start off by sending you an energy hug and lots of love and light for what you have been through and all the work you have already done. Since you've made great strides in your healing journey, it sounds like you’re ready for a quantum leap in consciousness in this area! Just setting the intention to let it go is an amazing place from which miracles can occur!

You seem to be pretty clear on where you stand on this issue: Being in relationship with your parents is difficult, but not having any relationship with them at all feels worse. This is a great place to start from and it sounds like you just need a little help with what comes next. With some time and a bit more work we believe you can get to a place of peace in this relationship.

First, although you may have already done this to some degree, take some time to grieve the relationship you would like to have (and would like to have had) with your parents. Allow yourself to wail, cry and express your grief in a safe and private space. We’d also suggest incorporating bioenergetic exercises into your spiritual practice. A great place to start is with Alexander Lowen's book The Way to Vibrant Health: A Manual of Bioenergetic Exercises. We’ve found hitting the bed with a tennis racket and pounding a pillow while yelling, screaming, kicking, moaning and sobbing to be incredibly freeing. Pick a time when you can be alone and undisturbed to get it up and out.

Healing, as you already know, is an ongoing process so this release bears repeating, especially if you’ve had a recent encounter with your parents. If you live somewhere – like an apartment – where yelling might be disturbing to the neighbors, try doing it while running a bath. Throw some sea-salt in there as well to make it a purifying experience all around. Like the ocean itself, sea-salt can carry unwanted energy away! If you feel like you need to go deeper into your anger (and the violent nature of your meditation suggests that perhaps this is the case), find a therapist in your area who specializes in anger work. We believe digging deeper to the core of your anger and letting it out will help you immensely and open up space for what comes next.

Once you feel like you have fully felt your disappointment and anger, you may be ready to release it. We all have wishes, fantasies and ideas about our relationships that don't measure up; that's just part of being human. But sometimes we need to consciously let go of these fantasies in order to allow space for what IS. We would recommend “The Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin, a great book on releasing. In it, he teaches us to fully feel and embrace all feelings that come up (negative and positive) and then release them. By releasing ALL of our feelings we make space for what IS and for more fully LIVING and LOVING our lives as they are.

After feeling AND releasing you will hopefully be ready to build a new relationship with your parents based on who you are right now and who they are right now. We'd like to suggest you approach this on two levels: head and heart.

First the head. This is the “taking care of business,” living in the physical world level. What are your parameters? How much free time do you have? Of that, how much are you willing/able to give to your parents? What are the activities that seem to go well when you spend time with them? Are holidays a total nightmare? Keep those for your immediate family and institute a new tradition with your parents – maybe breakfast at a restaurant a few times a year or a Sunday dinner every month. Do those activities with your parents that work for you and your immediate family and let go of those that do not.

A quick word about the kids: How do they feel about spending time with their grandparents? Do they look forward to it or dread it? Do your parents treat them as treasured grandchildren or pretty much the same way they treated you? If your kids are loath to spend time with your parents there is probably a reason. Sometimes when children express negative feelings about people or situations we can make light of it. Please don't. Your children are speaking their truth and in order to keep this tendency in them alive and well, it is important to listen. Also, if you didn't feel safe in your home it's possible that your kids don't as well. Do the same thing with grandchildren time as with family time – do what works and toss out what doesn't. Are things okay on outings, but not in your parents' home? Then only do outings with grandma and grandpa. Work with your kids to find and set boundaries about those activities that feel good to do with your parents.

Now the heart. As much as possible, try and keep your heart open. One of the bedrock principles of any spiritual path is that of redemption. These are interesting times and we are all being pushed to new heights and challenged to be our highest selves. This includes your parents. Allow there to be room in your relationship with them for their highest selves.

It might be good to spend some time in meditation with them. Ask each of them (together or individually) to come and sit with you. Have the talk with them that you might not be able to have with them in person. Tell them how much they hurt you. Listen to what they have to say. Are there hurts in their past that they were acting out on you? Try to find compassion for the people they are, the parents they are and were, and the children they were. Do this whenever a new or old hurt surfaces. You may be surprised to find that they act as if this conversation really happened. That's because on some level it did! When you are around them try and keep this space open and allow them to be different by being different yourself. They will notice the shift and may just respond by shifting themselves.

We love that you mentioned your gratitude practice in your question! We’d suggest continuing this and looking at your parents in the light of what they gave you. Spend some time mediating on their GREAT qualities. What good can you find in their hearts, minds and faces? Start slowly, as this might take some time. If you can find one thing about each of them, you’re off to a fantastic start.

As you move forward into your new relationship with them, check in with yourself and see how you are doing. Make changes as needed as you go along. And keep doing your forgiveness work! Forgiveness is a life-long process, especially when the hurts have cut so deep. Colin Tipping’s Three Letters Process is a great gift for seeing the soul’s perspective in a challenging situation. While it’s not an easy place to get to, it’s a “simple” spiritual truth: Your soul chose these parents for what they could teach you in this lifetime. Waking up to that awareness, you can find great freedom and begin to make new choices.

The good news is that you are not alone in this journey. Before you see your parents (when and if you decide to), we’d suggest saying a prayer to God, Source or The Universe asking for the highest and best outcome for all. See the day surrounded with loving light. Then approach the activity acting “as if” it were so. We'd love to hear what shows up for you!

Blessings to you as you work through what were your first – and perhaps most difficult – relationships. This is not easy work, but it is important work – work that hopefully allows you to be the fullest expression of yourself on this planet.

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Lara & Jennifer

  

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