Set Yourself Up for a Happy Holiday Season!

Dear Soul Sisters,

As the holidays approach, I am starting to feel stressed by invitations and have-to's already. Any advice on how best to meet my needs and those of my family without getting overloaded or hurting anyone's feelings?

Thanks,

Wanting To Do It Differently This Year

"JOY ALONE IS THE TRUTH." --The Universe

Dear Wanting To Do It Differently,

Thanks so much for your question and here’s to the holidays! Just by asking, it sounds like you’ve set your intention to create something special and new for you this year! Congrats on getting clear and starting NOW to set your boundaries and honor your soul!

Ah, yes the pre-holiday dread we know it well. It isn't just retail outlets that are pushing holidays earlier and earlier (we saw Halloween candy out in August this year!), it seems we are all thinking about what's coming up months (sometimes even years) before it's happening. All of this “forward thinking” has its place (we like a good plan as much as the next person), but it really gets in the way of being in the moment, which is where all the good stuff really happens.

As per usual, we’d invite you to start with some time in meditation. Perhaps throw on your favorite holiday music (if it makes you happy!) to set the mood? Feel into your heart. If stressful memories arise, see if you can notice them without attaching to them. Wave hello if you’d like, but don’t hunker down into the feelings they bring up.

Next, take some time to ground and center yourself. If you don't already have a grounding exercise that you use, sign-up to get our FREE Violet Flame meditation (see sidebar to your right) that starts with one. Try and do this every day from now until the New Year. Bananas are also an excellent food to eat - and great on the GO - when you need to ground in a jiffy.  Staying grounded will help you handle all of those pre-holiday conversations – and the holidays themselves – with aplomb.

Once you are grounded and centered, ask yourself what your ideal holiday season looks like.

* Where are you? At home? At someone’s house in particular? Away?

* Who is there with you? Friends? Family? Extended family? Neighbors? Or people you just met?

* What are you eating & drinking? Traditional turkey, Indian buffet or tacos by the beach?

* What are you doing after? Relaxing by the fire? Skiing off from the chalet? Swimming in the sea?

Write about or draw your ideal holiday “plan.” Really spend some time with it and let yourself dream big. If you want peace, relaxation and calm, ask yourself: What can I (we) do to create that this holiday season? See what pops for you! Alternatively, if you want new, exciting, and different, start brainstorming some ideas and see what comes up & out! From here, you can craft your dream holiday! Remember, this is your IDEAL holiday scenario so see what comes without knowing the how or why of it just yet!

Once you’ve got this picture, dig a bit deeper to see how you are FEELING here. Are you relaxed by the vision you’ve given time and space to? Are you energized and excited to plan something adventerous? Write a list of the feelings that arise for you. 

We’d then invite you to stop and pray. Ask God, Spirit, Source or The Universe to surround your holiday season with this feeling. If it’s calm, fill your prayer with peaceful phrases and affirmations that it is so. If you’re seeking excitement and adventure, ask that the path to that be opened to you and that everything falls into place for the planning. If loving connection is what you’re craving, pray that you head into the season with an open heart and that you spend time with the right and perfect people. Mix and match for your dream days ahead!

Let your ideal holiday plan marinate for a couple of days and then come back to it. Is this still what you want or have other things come to the fore? Make a second draft and use that as your jumping off point for your planning and negotiations. 

Now get to work on a second list. This is the “NOT GOING TO DO IT” list. What things have you done in the past that you regretted or did not work for you? This is the non-negotiable list. These are the things you WILL NOT do. Hold yourself to this and honor your limitations and boundaries. Some examples might be: I will only attend one event per day (thus avoiding the great holiday shuffle that finds you – and your kids if you have them – wasted at the end of the year, too exhausted to celebrate 2012) or I will only stay at so-and-so's house for 3 hours or less because that's all I can handle.

Since holidays rarely exist in a vacuum, you’ll need to talk to your significant other (if you’ve got one) and/or your kids about what their vision is too. Begin having the conversation with your partner, family, friends, and other people you are going to be spending the holidays with. Ask them what their wishes and desires are as well as their "NOT GOING TO DO IT's." Work from a place of flexibility and compromise, while holding your ground on what works and does not work for you. This may take some time and diplomacy, but it'll be well worth it. 

Try and keep your sense of humor during this process and make sure you plan at least one “get to” over the holiday season. What is the one thing that you genuinely look forward to every year? Is it holiday baking? The Nutcracker Suite? Buying gifts for that someone special? Lock out one day in the next three months that is devoted to your personal favorite holiday tradition. Ask each person in your family to come up with one thing/activity that is special for them. While you can’t make everybody happy ALL the time, it’s a great place to start by honoring that which they LOVE the most!

Now comes the hard part...Once you have come up with a plan that works for everyone, let it go. That's right, we said LET IT GO. The key to Happy Holidays, we believe, are good boundaries PLUS flexibility. Realize that things come up, plans change and we are all at the mercy of the Universe, perhaps especially during the holiday season. Proceed as if the plan were the plan, but allow for last minute changes, additions, and upsets. Allow things to be as they are. Let go of the perfect “Norman Rockwell” holidays and realize that those you are spending the holidays with are feeling the same pressures as you are. Remind yourself that this the holidays are really just one or two days out of the year. Make it special not by making it weighty, but by making it light. Allow yourself to be light and shine this light on others.

In addition, during this can-be-stressful time, make sure you are at your best by taking good care of yourself: get plenty of sleep, exercise more than usual, meditate daily in addition to grounding, eat well and avoid overdoing it on the alcohol. The better you feel, the easier the holidays will go!

It’s great that you are starting early and can go about setting your boundaries. Many people get several invitations to choose from which is a wonderful gift. We’d invite you to read our previous posts on saying NO if you need help in this area. Remember where you started this season. Tap into that vision as often as you need to and know that the feeling you are after is your heart’s truth.

Also, give yourself permission to NOT take on everyone’s feelings this year. Saying “YES” to yourself might disappoint others and their vision. Know, though, that the time has come for you as a person - and us as a planet - to honor our own hearts and well being. This self-love is the key to creating heaven – not hell – on Earth for the holidays and for everyday! You speaking your truth and setting yourself up for peace with automatically inspire others to do the same for themselves!

Take good care during this festive and busy time! May your holidays be full of peace, oneness, love and light!

Jennifer & Lara

 

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p.s. Confidential to Angeline. We've got your question and are working hard on it. Until next week, love & light from our hearts to yours!

When and How to Consciously Quit

Dear Soul Sisters,

My question is about quitting. I grew up hearing the old adage, "Winners never quit and quitters never win," and I have always assumed that this is true, but the new paradigm of the world (including some of your advice) seems to contradict this. What do you think about quitting (a job, a marriage, a commitment you have made) in general? To get more specific to my situation, I am involved with a non-profit organization that, although it does great work, has lots of negativity and aggravation behind the scenes. Some days I just feel like walking out. What should I do?

"You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run."

Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Dear Confused About Quitting:

Thanks for your question! Quitting can be confusing so we appreciate you helping us get clear about our beliefs in writing. While you’re right about traditional wisdom (and many a sports metaphor) encouraging the tough to get going when the going gets rough, we’d encourage you to look within and see if what resonates with you today.

But first, let’s take a look at the global context. You hit the nail on the head when you said there has been a paradigm shift in the world. We would characterize it as an evolution from this old adage (“winners never quit...”) to the sentiment in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.” And, unlike in the past when the season would be determined by what was going on outside of ourselves - by the government, the tribe, the landowner, etc. - the season is now determined by what is going on inside of each of us.

Collectively, all souls on the planet are in the process of evolving. Part of this awakening is unfolding into greater freedom and individuality. Today more than ever, what’s true for one person need not be true for everyone. We no longer rely on the collective for our basic survival needs as we did in prehistoric times and even up until very recently. Thus, the more individual freedom we have the more the old values and ways of doing things are replaced by our inner knowing. And, because of global technology, each individual voice has more tools now than ever for self-expression. Through Social Media, individual opinions around our Earth are expressed, welcomed and incorporated; when there is a wave of popular opinion, we see such things as revolution in Egypt and Netflix re-thinking their “Qwikster” gaffe.

Now onto your situation and truth. The first thing we would suggest (we feel like a broken record here but we just can't say enough about how important alone-time is in this day and age) is to step into the silence, away from the phone, your email and the busyness and business of your life in meditation. Connect with Source as you see it and get totally still. 

In this place, check in on this commitment and how it feels to you right now. Does it make you angry? Does it make you want to run and hide? Does it make you sad that things are being conducted in a way you do not like, but are you still committed to and invested in their mission and the service they provide? Ask your heart and higher self what it wants to do with this situation. As much as possible, stay out of your mind here and really feel into your heart. To access this place of total love, picture the face of someone you love unconditionally like a small child or a beloved pet. Then ask again, “what do I want to do here now?”

In this - and any situation - the truth will ALWAYS make you feel lighter and more at peace. In contrast, fear will make you feel dark, heavy and more afraid. Once you have your answer, you can then get to work processing your feelings and moving through life accordingly.

If your answer is, as Kenny says above, to walk away and quit the organization you are involved with, we would say GO FOR IT. We’d support you in knowing that there is something new and different out there for you. In order to make room for that next thing, you need to leave this behind. Quitting doesn't carry with it the same stigma that it once did. We are no longer required to stick around somewhere that doesn't work for us or where we are being mis-treated, used or abused. However, we believe that we still have an obligation to each other as human beings to behave with integrity and to do the best we can to honor our commitments to each other.

That is, HOW you do it also very important. If you have no spoken or unspoken agreement with this organization to be in service for a particular period of time or project then you have no reason to stick around. If, however, you have made some kind of a commitment to this group, we would suggest that you do try and honor your commitment. However, if honoring the commitment puts you at risk in any way – again, if you are being used, abused, taken advantage of or treated poorly in a way that you can't or don't feel you deal with or protect yourself against - we would say it is time to go NOW.

If at all possible, give the person in charge of your project or area of service a written or verbal notice. If they are part of the problem, then notify their immediate supervisor or another person on the project. Then use your best judgment here. Is it worthwhile to let someone know what your experience has been? Is there someone in the organization that can hear what you have to say and that you feel will act with integrity to resolve the issue? If so, you may choose to say something. If not, perhaps it is better just to cut and run.

Then spend sometime alone processing your feelings of grief, loss and yes, even shame around “quitting” here. Talk to your inner child, the one who learned to stay even when it doesn’t feel good anymore, and let her know you’ve got a new way of living life. Assure her that no matter how anyone else reacts, you know you are listening to your heart and serving your highest good here. Tell her that you love her so much and will not ever leave her alone. We’d also direct you to our earlier advice on “should-ing” yourself here.

In the same way, if you feel that you want to stay, but the situation is being made untenable, ask yourself, “What, if anything, can I do to create change in this organization?” Spend some additional time in meditation. We’d suggest asking God, Source or the Universe for the highest good for all in this situation. Maybe it’s time for you to speak up about what’s not working for you with the non-profit work? Maybe there are others there too who feel the same way but are too afraid to say anything? If you decide to stay, do the heart exercise again and ask what your role here, then, is to be? The answer might just surprise you! 

Once you have your answer, set a reasonable time to try it. If it doesn't work, ask again and try that idea for a set time as well. Agree with yourself that if the third (or fourth or whatever you think is doable for you) thing you try doesn't work, you will let yourself off the hook and let yourself set yourself free from this commitment.

As you leave, say a prayer that all will be in Divine order for you and for all concerned. Know that as you leave you open up space for new energy to come into this organization, perhaps someone who feels called to this work or whose Divine purpose is to shift this energy to something more positive. Once of our favorite affirmations is ALL IS WELL. Repeat this to yourself as you move out of this situation and move into something more suited to where you are now. Know that it is so.

Blessings to you as you hear your heart & honor its truth!

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Lara & Jennifer

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Tips to Calm a "Monkey Mind"

Dear Soul Sisters,

When I have a day or two off, my mind thinks so much that I end up getting a
headache. How can I learn to relax without obsessing about the future or my
family's problems?

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." --Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

Dear Too Much Time on My Hands:

Thanks for your question. Our minds, while wonderful and powerful tools, can monkey with us and it sounds like yours is busy when you’re not. We hear how this is causing you stress and we’re happy to help.

First, we’ve got a feeling from your headaches and mention of family problems that doing some grief and release work might do you some good. As the body is often the storehouse of stress, we’d suggest some vigorous exercise to get energy moving though you. Up & out is always better than down & in! What’s something that brings you joy to do? Running, soccer, boxing, karate or swimming? Even if it’s a simple walk around your neighborhood, get out of your house and out of your head! We’d suggest taking more of your down time each week to get active! As this becomes a habit, you’ll likely notice you exercise more and yes, worry less - a wonderful side-effect!

Secondly, we’d like to introduce you to the power of NOW. Unlike the past or the future you’re worried about, it IS. The time you have “too much of” is actually the gift of being alive! See if you can feel into wherever you are. Take some deep breaths and notice your surroundings. Look around you. What can you be grateful for in the present moment? Feel into the real-ness of what is. Often when we take time and space to do this, we are able to recognize our own aliveness and the beauty of being just where we are. The more you practice this, the more you will be able to bring yourself back to the present moment when your mind begins to wander. It all starts with a breath!

Once you are feeling calmer and more centered ask yourself this question: AM I OKAY RIGHT NOW? So often we are thinking about – and living – days, weeks, even years into the future. Worrying about our future financial situation, our future relationship situation, our future job situation. We have no idea what the next moment will bring, not to mention the next year. That is not to say we should not make plans and set goals, but simply realize that it is all up for grabs and the only thing we really need to worry about is right now. So, ask yourself: Am I okay right now? If the answer is yes, let out your breath (you probably didn't even realize you were holding it did you?), give thanks to Spirit, The Universe or God for all you are and all you have right now.

If the answer is no, if one of your basic needs (food, clothing, shelter, health care, etc.) is not being met, ask yourself what you need to do right now to work towards that need being met. Have a short brainstorming session with yourself. Come up with five ideas and then decide to try one. Take the first step. If that idea doesn't work, start over. Choose another idea, take the first step. Repeat until your need is met. Thinking about all the possibilities and all the steps to make each happen can be crazy-making. Our mind starts racing, our brain short-circuits and we become paralyzed. By breaking things down and focusing on one thing at a time, our brains can actually process what is happening and we can get more done because we are not feeling so overwhelmed.

These small steps DO matter in the big scheme of things. With the passing of Steve Jobs last week, we’d love to share some of his wisdom with you:

"So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever, because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference."

You might not know the HOW; just trust that everything you do does contribute. Look back on your life. What small decisions or incidents led to huge doors opening? See, it works!

Everything that is happening is here in the now and it always will be. The past cannot be altered and any worry about the future is energy spent in fear of things not guaranteed to happen. As Albert Einstein says, “Worry is the misuse of imagination.” Without taking on too much shame or blame around this, we’d urge you instead to harness the creative power of your imagination. A slight shift in consciousness can create miracles in your life!

Next, it sounds like you could use some fun in your life! Do you have a hobby or pastime outside of work? If not, spend some time thinking about what you enjoy doing – or think you would enjoy doing – and find a way to make time for that. Do you already have a hobby, but perhaps you treat it as another thing to do, another thing on the list? Get a hobby that is JUST FOR FUN with no possibility of it becoming a career or money-making venture: join an adult league sports team, take up a brand new instrument, go hiking or backpacking if that interests you. Make sure it is something that feeds your soul and keep this thing just for your enjoyment.

We would also suggest you read “The Artist's Way” by Julia Cameron. Most people read this to jump-start an artistic pursuit, but for you we would suggest it as a way to disconnect from the DOING (which it sounds like you don't have a problem with) and to connect to the not-doing part of being an artist (and we are all artists whether we recognize it or not; your medium may be paint or pies, words or wit, we are all creative in our own way). There are two exercises in this book that may be particularly helpful for you: Morning Pages and The Artist Date.

Morning Pages are three full pages of stream-of-consciousness writing, done preferably first thing in the morning (before you even have your first cup of joe). Write the first thing that comes into your mind without thinking about it or editing it. Write about your worries, your concerns, your ideas, and your wishes. If writing in the morning doesn't work for you, try writing first thing when you get home from work. Or in your case, whenever you feel like you have too much down time, pick up your journal and write three pages. Get it all out on paper and you may feel like you don't have to spend as much time on it in your head.

The Artist's Date is similar in purpose to the “just for fun” hobby. Once a week take your inner artist (or your inner-child if you will) on a “play date.” This is not an errand - no grocery shopping or picking up the dry-cleaning - this is a JUST FOR FUN activity. Go to a movie, go roller-blading, go out and play tourist in your hometown. Anything that makes your heart sing and your mouth smile qualifies. Keep this date sacred as you would a date with the love of your life. Don't flake out on yourself.

Finally, we’ll leave you with the knowledge that you are not alone in this. We’d invite you to ask God, Source, The Universe for help with whatever you are dealing with. Turn it over. Do this instead of worrying and watch your world change. Each time you feel a fearful thought rising up, say a prayer instead. You might find that you are constantly praying at first but what a wonderful obsession to have!

We send you peace, presence and the power of NOW on your path. Trust that all of your needs are met now and always by your higher power. Sometimes Divine Timing can look different than ours yet it is always perfect.

Peace, Oneness, Love & Light,
Jennifer & Lara 

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Dealing with Difficult Parents

Dear Soul Sisters,

I grew up in a home in which I was abused and neglected by my parents. I've
 worked really hard to release the negative energy from my body, to forgive 
my parents, and to find compassion for them and for myself. And in many
 respects I have. Much of the time, I even feel grateful for the suffering 
I've been through because of the insight it offers me into the suffering of
others and the deeper spiritual connection I found during the healing
 process.

 

The problem is interacting with them now. My Mom uses guilt, manipulation,
 helplessness and victimhood to try to get what she wants; my Dad is distant and lacks any ability to understand my feelings. "They're not going to
 change!" is what my sister has been telling me for years. And I know that.
 But, given that that is the case, I don't want to interact with them. I
 tried cutting myself off from them for a while but it was really hard on my 
kids, and on some level I know that isn't the best thing for me or for the 
world (and certainly not for my parents) either.

 

I have come to the realization that if they're not going to change and I'm
 not going to cut off from them, something is going to have to shift in me. I
 have tried everything I know, but my feelings basically vacillate between
 feeling nothing for them and wishing they were dead. I just tried to do a 
meditation on this with Jack Kornfield and had a vision of a bloody room and 
knives. I guess I must still be angry and I just don't know how to move
 through this.

 Can you help?

 Thanks!


Ready to let it go in the Midwest


“I am a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” - Byron Katie

Dear Ready to Let It Go,

Thanks so much for your letter and for sharing your incredible story with us. We'd like to start off by sending you an energy hug and lots of love and light for what you have been through and all the work you have already done. Since you've made great strides in your healing journey, it sounds like you’re ready for a quantum leap in consciousness in this area! Just setting the intention to let it go is an amazing place from which miracles can occur!

You seem to be pretty clear on where you stand on this issue: Being in relationship with your parents is difficult, but not having any relationship with them at all feels worse. This is a great place to start from and it sounds like you just need a little help with what comes next. With some time and a bit more work we believe you can get to a place of peace in this relationship.

First, although you may have already done this to some degree, take some time to grieve the relationship you would like to have (and would like to have had) with your parents. Allow yourself to wail, cry and express your grief in a safe and private space. We’d also suggest incorporating bioenergetic exercises into your spiritual practice. A great place to start is with Alexander Lowen's book The Way to Vibrant Health: A Manual of Bioenergetic Exercises. We’ve found hitting the bed with a tennis racket and pounding a pillow while yelling, screaming, kicking, moaning and sobbing to be incredibly freeing. Pick a time when you can be alone and undisturbed to get it up and out.

Healing, as you already know, is an ongoing process so this release bears repeating, especially if you’ve had a recent encounter with your parents. If you live somewhere – like an apartment – where yelling might be disturbing to the neighbors, try doing it while running a bath. Throw some sea-salt in there as well to make it a purifying experience all around. Like the ocean itself, sea-salt can carry unwanted energy away! If you feel like you need to go deeper into your anger (and the violent nature of your meditation suggests that perhaps this is the case), find a therapist in your area who specializes in anger work. We believe digging deeper to the core of your anger and letting it out will help you immensely and open up space for what comes next.

Once you feel like you have fully felt your disappointment and anger, you may be ready to release it. We all have wishes, fantasies and ideas about our relationships that don't measure up; that's just part of being human. But sometimes we need to consciously let go of these fantasies in order to allow space for what IS. We would recommend “The Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin, a great book on releasing. In it, he teaches us to fully feel and embrace all feelings that come up (negative and positive) and then release them. By releasing ALL of our feelings we make space for what IS and for more fully LIVING and LOVING our lives as they are.

After feeling AND releasing you will hopefully be ready to build a new relationship with your parents based on who you are right now and who they are right now. We'd like to suggest you approach this on two levels: head and heart.

First the head. This is the “taking care of business,” living in the physical world level. What are your parameters? How much free time do you have? Of that, how much are you willing/able to give to your parents? What are the activities that seem to go well when you spend time with them? Are holidays a total nightmare? Keep those for your immediate family and institute a new tradition with your parents – maybe breakfast at a restaurant a few times a year or a Sunday dinner every month. Do those activities with your parents that work for you and your immediate family and let go of those that do not.

A quick word about the kids: How do they feel about spending time with their grandparents? Do they look forward to it or dread it? Do your parents treat them as treasured grandchildren or pretty much the same way they treated you? If your kids are loath to spend time with your parents there is probably a reason. Sometimes when children express negative feelings about people or situations we can make light of it. Please don't. Your children are speaking their truth and in order to keep this tendency in them alive and well, it is important to listen. Also, if you didn't feel safe in your home it's possible that your kids don't as well. Do the same thing with grandchildren time as with family time – do what works and toss out what doesn't. Are things okay on outings, but not in your parents' home? Then only do outings with grandma and grandpa. Work with your kids to find and set boundaries about those activities that feel good to do with your parents.

Now the heart. As much as possible, try and keep your heart open. One of the bedrock principles of any spiritual path is that of redemption. These are interesting times and we are all being pushed to new heights and challenged to be our highest selves. This includes your parents. Allow there to be room in your relationship with them for their highest selves.

It might be good to spend some time in meditation with them. Ask each of them (together or individually) to come and sit with you. Have the talk with them that you might not be able to have with them in person. Tell them how much they hurt you. Listen to what they have to say. Are there hurts in their past that they were acting out on you? Try to find compassion for the people they are, the parents they are and were, and the children they were. Do this whenever a new or old hurt surfaces. You may be surprised to find that they act as if this conversation really happened. That's because on some level it did! When you are around them try and keep this space open and allow them to be different by being different yourself. They will notice the shift and may just respond by shifting themselves.

We love that you mentioned your gratitude practice in your question! We’d suggest continuing this and looking at your parents in the light of what they gave you. Spend some time mediating on their GREAT qualities. What good can you find in their hearts, minds and faces? Start slowly, as this might take some time. If you can find one thing about each of them, you’re off to a fantastic start.

As you move forward into your new relationship with them, check in with yourself and see how you are doing. Make changes as needed as you go along. And keep doing your forgiveness work! Forgiveness is a life-long process, especially when the hurts have cut so deep. Colin Tipping’s Three Letters Process is a great gift for seeing the soul’s perspective in a challenging situation. While it’s not an easy place to get to, it’s a “simple” spiritual truth: Your soul chose these parents for what they could teach you in this lifetime. Waking up to that awareness, you can find great freedom and begin to make new choices.

The good news is that you are not alone in this journey. Before you see your parents (when and if you decide to), we’d suggest saying a prayer to God, Source or The Universe asking for the highest and best outcome for all. See the day surrounded with loving light. Then approach the activity acting “as if” it were so. We'd love to hear what shows up for you!

Blessings to you as you work through what were your first – and perhaps most difficult – relationships. This is not easy work, but it is important work – work that hopefully allows you to be the fullest expression of yourself on this planet.

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Lara & Jennifer

  

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