Dear Soul Sisters,
I was recently asked to volunteer in my son's 2nd grade Sunday school class. I was shocked and disappointed by the behavior I observed. I have helped out in previous years with the same group of kids whose families I have come to know over the years. I brought this to the attention of the teacher who indicated she needed to meet kids where they are. I later sent an email to her offering to work with the kids during the summer to come up with some basic rules of respect explaining that discipline comes from the word disciple which means 'to teach'. I got no response for a while and then an invitation to attend a 2-day Sunday school teacher training. I signed up for the training but don't want to give the impression that I think I can do a better job. Was just trying to help. Please advise.
“Respect is love in plain clothes.” Frankie Byrne
Dear Just Trying to Help:
Thanks for your question. This is a tricky one! It sounds like there is a lot going on under the surface and many layers to consider. We hear your concern and appreciate your desire to instill the value of respect into the Sunday School environment.
First, your own child. If he was involved in behavior that you are uncomfortable with, it’s important that you convey to him your values and expectations about behavior in Sunday School (and in the world). Regardless of the teacher or everything else going on in the room, set aside some time to talk with him when both of you are calm and rested.
Express your feelings of disappointment without placing blame on him or the teacher (or anyone else). Then let him know what you expect in terms of Sunday School behavior. Again, in a positive and affirmative way. Make sure he understands why this is important to you and what the consequences will be for not meeting these expectations.
Set him up for success by making sure he has a good breakfast and – if possible – some free playtime before Sunday School starts. Get there early and play on the playground at your church (if there is one) or have him run around in your backyard for a while before you load up for church. Make a plan to do the same thing after church so while he is at Sunday School he knows that he is going to get a break soon.
As for the teacher and the classroom behavior, if you are willing and able to volunteer in the classroom every week, great. It sounds like you might bring a different perspective to the environment which might help to balance things out. We can't say for sure whether this is a situation where things are just out of control or whether the teacher truly believes that “meeting kids where they are” is the right thing to do. There are many different theories of education out there (just as there are with parenting) and one is the child-led model, where children have a great deal of freedom in the classroom by design.
If this is the case in your son's Sunday School classroom, you have to decide if you are comfortable with that or not. If not, it may mean holding your son out of Sunday School until next year when he may have a different teacher. If so, make the conscious decision to let go of whatever happens in the classroom, knowing the teacher is in control and simply has a different style than you are used to.
If you feel that the lack of classroom discipline is not by design, but because things are out of control, you may need to intervene; either by becoming a classroom volunteer and helping to bring order to the classroom or by requesting a meeting with the teacher and the head of education. You may also want to talk to the other parents, since it seems that you know them quite well, and mention your concerns to get their perspective.
If your heart encourages you to attend the training, we’d support you in giving it a try; it sounds like you feel strongly about wanting the kids to treat each other and the teacher more lovingly. Always a great goal! Before going in, say an affirmative prayer for the highest and best outcome for all.
When working in any group setting – even a church or spiritual center – there are always different dogmas and personalities operating. By reaching out to the teacher in email, you took an active step in sharing your thoughts. We can’t know for sure what her reaction was or why you received no response. As you were invited to the teacher training, it does seem like the door is open (albeit passively) for you to add your input, should you so choose.
Whatever you ultimately decide to do, don't forget to spend some time in prayer on your own, ask God to send you a message or a sign about what is really going on in the classroom and what your ideal role is in this situation. Then listen to your heart and watch for signs.
If you feel excited at the prospect of being in the classroom, that may be a sign that this is the direction in which to go. On the other hand, if you speak to another parent and they say they love what is happening in the classroom, that may be a sign to wait and see. Oftentimes, kids settle down once they realize that the freedom they are being given is permanent and will not taken away.
If you do become the teacher's assistant, you will probably need to be ready to discuss the ways in which your teaching styles differ. In preparation for opening up the discussion, see if you can come up with a list of examples of what you saw. Express your feelings using “I” statements. (eg. I felt sad when I saw the kids yelling at each other.) When doing so, the people listening are less apt to take what you are saying personally or get defensive. Therefore, they can stay with you to work towards mutual understanding.
From there, you can explain how you’ve seen these kids interact at other times and know they can, and have, done better! Come ready to share some sample basic rules, like ‘Do unto others…” for example. In order to build consensus for your suggestion, it might be a great idea to ask the group to work together to come up with a list of behaviors they’d all like to see. You can keep it simple to start and aim for 2-3.
If it seems like the ideas and discussion are meeting with resistance, we’d suggest excusing yourself for a moment from the meeting. In the restroom (or someplace quiet) and listening to your heart. Does it feel safe to continue? Is this a group within which your voice can be heard and you can make positive change? Your inner truth will emerge and you’ll know what steps to take next.
Finally, remember that life is full of challenges and unideal situations. This may be a growth opportunity for your son and his classmates and may serve them on their journey in a way that you cannot see right now. It may also be one for you as you step forward and speak your truth in a new way. Every teacher we have, whether the relationship is easy or hard, teaches us something and helps us grow as people.
We see you surrounded with loving light as you step forward. Know that all is in Divine order now and always.
Peace, Oneness, Love and Light,
Jennifer & Lara
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