Just Say "No" to School Fundraisers

Dear Soul Sisters,

With gift wrap season upon us (aka school fundraising) how do I tactfully and effectively not buy from my friends when I have to sell some myself? I often feel bad saying "no" and I don't want to damage any friendships. I know they need to sell stuff but I have the same pressures. Thank you Soul Sisters.... 

"Reclaim the power of 'no' without guilt. It’s a beautiful thing - for you, for the other person and for the relationship. It offers everyone involved the gift of self responsibility. When you have clear reasons and a clear strategy for saying 'no' it becomes a very positive and empowering experience." --Ian Lawton

Dear Under Pressure,

Thanks so much for your question! As school is back in full swing, we’ve got a feeling you’re not the only one wondering.
 

First of all, congrats on your clarity! We hear you saying loud and clear what your priorities are and that’s a big blessing! As a parent, your job is to help your kids by modeling clear boundaries and open and honest communication. Now, to speak your truth…

Dear Soul Sisters truly believe that, "No is a complete sentence," but sometimes, especially when interacting with friends, it just isn't that easy. Sometimes you need a little bit more. Here are some ideas about how to say “No” while maintaining friendships.

Say it with GRACE. There is a scene in the movie "The King's Speech" that we love to think of when we need to say something hard with a lot of grace. The wife of the King's speech therapist asks the Queen to stay for dinner and she declines with such grace it was as if she had accepted. It went something like this: She smiles, puts her hand on her chest and says, "Oh dear, I would LOVE to, but of course we have a state dinner tonight. Thank you so much for the invitation." It was the kindest "No" we’ve ever heard and we try to emulate it every time we must decline an invitation or a request.

Say it with HUMOR. Often humor is the easiest way to diffuse a tense situation. If you feel that there are likely to be hurt feelings, try making a joke about how much weight you have gained from all the Girl Scout cookies you ate this spring or about how you are swimming in wrapping paper in your basement. Then say, “we just don't need anymore ___________, thanks and I appreciate the offer!”

Say it with COMPASSION. Since you’re all in the same "parents as salespeople" boat, empathize with their situation. Talk about how much pressure you feel to sell stuff to raise money for your school and empathize with the pressure they must be feeling. Then offer to strike an "I won't ask you if you don't ask me" deal. Taking the selling thing off of the table from both sides may bring a lot of relief and keep things clean and clear between you!

Say it with (a little bit of) MONEY. If you want to support their school or cause, but the product is not something that you are interested in buying at all, ask if you can "buy nothing." In other words, ask if you can make a donation to the cause without buying anything (this idea came from the book "Darth Paper Strikes Back" by Tom Angleberger). Perhaps agree with yourself to a set amount each time you are asked (such as $5 or $10) and make a small monetary donation to each person who asks. That way they feel that you are supporting their cause, but you are not stuck with something you don't want.

Finally, know that your friends are in the same position (having to sell, being asked to buy) so more than likely they will understand if you just don't need one more candy bar or roll of wrapping paper. We often overestimate the degree to which saying “No” to a friend will effect them. More than likely they will understand and not mind at all (after all, they are feeling the same pressure). They may just thank you for your honesty and for keeping your friendship real!

Again, we congratulate you for getting clear on your truth and send you lots of light and love as you navigate the sometimes murky waters of sales and friendship!

Peace, oneness, love & light,

Jennifer & Lara

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Advice for an Empty Nest Mother

Dear Soul Sisters,

The problem is: I've dedicated my life to my children and now they are 
grown up and I'm lost, lonely and manless, too scared to look, don't know where
 to look. I don't mind being alone but that gets lonely sometimes.

“Always, a shift in awareness includes a period of isolation and loneliness as one gets accustomed to the new level of truth. And then, always, new companions are found. No one is left alone for long.” -Caroline Myss

Dear Feeling Lonely:

Thank you for writing. We hear how lost and lonely you feel and send you love and light from our hearts to yours. We know you, like most mothers, have given much time, attention and care to your children over the years. It's only natural that their absence leaves a hole in your life. Like many empty-nesters, you’re facing a lot of time on your hands and what seems like no one to spend it with right now. We are happy to help you during this time of transition. 

Yours is not an easy position to be in. Mothers dedicate their lives to their children and eventually, the children go off to make their own, often leaving their mothers far behind. The thing is, if you have done your job well, this is exactly as it should be. Take some time to revel in your accomplishments, in the successful job you have done as “Mother” and give yourself a pat on the back. Well done, Mom! Many indigenous cultures honor this milestone as a sacred passage from Mother to Crone. Crossing the threshold into wise-womanhood is a major milestone and one to be celebrated! So how do you get there?

Like in any transformation, we must first mourn the life we are leaving behind. Take some time to grieve. You have just been laid-off from your long-time job! This is a loss whose import is not to be underestimated. Allow yourself to cry, moan, wail, and sob. Think of a ritual – like spending a day looking at old photographs or holding a “graduation” party for yourself  – that might be a heart-opener for you. Often baby pictures and hand-made cards can carry us right back to when our kids were little and needing our nurturing non-stop. Allow yourself to stay in this space. See if tears bubble up for you and let them flow. Revisit this space when you are feeling lonely and give yourself permission to have a hard time with it. Your feelings are always an indication of what’s working its way through you!

We’d then invite you to look at this as the opportunity of a lifetime! You are FREE! There is no one demanding your time, attention or asking you to be anything for them right now. That means you can reinvent yourself as ANYTHING you’d like to be! Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Talk to the amazing woman looking back at you and ask her what she’d like to be now that she’s all grown up!

As you get going, take baby steps. Just as your kids learned to walk step by small step, so will you learn to discover and inhabit your new life. Journal about what comes up for you as you go through this process. Here are some areas and ideas to get you started:

* Physical - want to cut or color your hair or get into better shape? Make an appointment at the beauty parlor and sign up for a fitness class! Both are great ways to get out of the house, meet people and perk yourself up! Nothing’s sexier than a woman who loves being in her body!

* Social - what do you LOVE to do but haven’t in ages? Singing, dancing, painting or playing cards? Need some ideas? Look online at Meetup.com and see what’s happening near you. Chances are, there are others out there in the same boat looking for YOU!

* Spiritual - Have you lost touch with your spirituality? What’s the more that your soul is yearning for? Maybe it’s finding a mediation group or perhaps joining a new church or spiritual center. These are great places to meet people on the path and find a community family! 

* Altruistic - Look around the world. What breaks your heart open right now? How can you pitch in and make things better for the Earth you’ll leave behind? Look for a group in your area where you can participate and meet people looking to help in the same way! 

* Romantic - If you’d like to be in a relationship, get clear about who you’d most like to date. Make a divine order form, be very specific and see WHO shows up! Don't settle for anthing less than someone who loves and accepts you just as you are - and someone to whom you can offer the same. 

One great way to figure out what you really want to do is to write a card to yourself on your 100^th birthday. It’s a fun exercise that can get your creative juices flowing! What are the things you’ve accomplished that you’re most proud of so far? What stones are left unturned in birthing your legacy?

Once you’ve spent some time soul searching, make a list of all of your goals and affirm that the HOW is not up to you! Ask The Universe that the right and perfect doors open up around you and then walk through them. Saying YES to life will be the fastest way for life to answer you right back! Also, it’s a great idea to talk about your desires with friends and family (assuming this feels safe.) You could mention that you are looking into classes and open for dating. You never know who knows Mr. Right!

It is one of the great ironies of life that we see the grass as always greener! As a Mom with young kids you probably longed for quiet time alone to do whatever you wanted. And now that you have it, you miss the kids, the action, the noise and the excitement of life with children. That is only natural. Try and remember how much you would have loved to have this time a few years ago and try and love it that much again. One day you will have a different life and you may look back on this time and wish you had enjoyed it more. So don't wait, enjoy it now as much as you possibly can!

Finally we'd love to leave you with these words of wisdom from White Elk, “When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

Much love to you as you expand into your new life. Keep us posted on how your new chapter unfolds!

 Peace, Oneness, Love & Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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Where's My Prosperity Progress?

Dear Soul Sisters-

While I have made progress at living within my means, I'm still not getting ahead. Since I have made significant lifestyle changes, it seems my income (or lack thereof) is the issue. Any advice for me?

Thank you,

Where's my Prosperity Progress?

"You are never given a wish without what it takes to make it true." Richard Bach

Dear Where's my Prosperity Progress?

Thanks so much for your question. We hear that you have made some positive financial shifts and are feeling frustrated with not getting “ahead.” That is a hard place to be and we are holding light for you in this space.

With the global economy in flux, you’re not the only one wondering how to work thorough this. And yet, there are people out there gaining more abundance and financial freedom everyday. What’s their secret and how can you make it work for you?

It seems most experts agree: prosperity is not just about your bank accounts or credit rating; it’s a way of thinking and operating in the world. So is poverty. Even the über-rich like Donald Trump who have lost everything, quickly gain it back because he expects to be rich. But, there are countless stories of million-dollar lottery winners who return very quickly to poverty because their consciousness is not yet not aligned with having and holding onto new wealth. So what’s a person to do?

Before we get down to the nitty-gritty, let's turn things around and look at it from a completely different perspective: What are three things you are grateful for right now specific to your financial situation? Do you own your own home? Do you have some money in savings? Have you paid off or lowered your interest rate on a credit card since making these changes? Are you covering all of your bills each month without going further in to debt? Do you have enough money to buy the food you need for yourself and your family? Whatever positives you can see, write them down and allow yourself to dwell on them for at least a few minutes.

We would suggest making this a habit. Start a prosperity journal and write down three moments every day in which you feel the prosperity that you desire. Try not to limit it to financial prosperity. Prosperity can mean many different things, not all of which have anything to do with how much money you make or how much money you have. One of our favorite formulas for calculating abundance is this: 

“God Consciousness+Giving+Gratitude=Abundance”

 --Rev Mark Vierra from the book 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life.

Starting the prosperity journal will get you the gratitude part. If you feel so moved, get a copy of "29 Gifts" and read it. Then take the 29-day Giving Challenge for yourself. The more we focus on what we are giving instead of what we are getting the more The Universe responds with gifts of love and abundance to us. When the Soul Sisters did the 29-day challenge, one of the best gifts was a shift in thinking about money from something to be kept and hoarded to something to be shared. Money is nothing more or less than energy made tangible. Once you realize this, it makes it easier to let go of and also to receive.

Make time for prayer and meditation daily if you don't already. Connecting with God Consciousness or Spirit as your SOURCE will help you feel and tap into the abundance and prosperity of The Universe. Sit still and ask to feel this flow; then wait for it to come. If you don't feel it right away, keep asking – sometimes we need to give The Universe a bit of time to respond. Just sitting in this flow will increase your awareness of the prosperity already available to you. As someone we once met said, “Money is about flow. You want to have a little reservoir so that you have something to eat when you’re dying, but otherwise, it’s about flow…."

Now, let's get down to the brass tacks of your question. You don't say exactly what you mean by “get ahead,” but we are assuming that you have an idea in your head. If so, write it down. Think about what it means to you to “get ahead.” Make a list of both short-term and long-term financial goals and post them somewhere you can see them. Ask and ye SHALL receive! When you break it down this way, it can be easier to see your progress rather than just focusing on the long-term goals, which can take a long time to manifest. Make sure to celebrate the small milestones that you achieve – like paying off a particular credit card or saving a set amount – even in some small way.

Next, take a look at each item and assess your ability to start working towards that right now. It may seem like some of these are unattainable from where you are right now, but remember “a thousand mile journey begins with one step.” Take that first step now in each of the areas you would like to work on. If you feel like you need some help, check out Suze Orman's book, "Women and Money." She comes at money from a practical AND spiritual perspective and gives you realistic advice, while still taking into account who you are, which is the key to any real change.

You say you feel like maybe you need to grow your income: How does it feel to think about taking the next step forward in your career? Do you want a higher paying job – with perhaps the additional responsibility and commitment that goes along with it – or are you quite happy where you are right now? Do you have a hobby or talent that you could parlay into a part-time job that would be both fun and financially rewarding? If so, perhaps you could start your own business on the side and use this money as your “get ahead” fund. Based on the answer to these questions, and your honest assessment of your financial situation, make a decision to either accept where you are for now (realizing that your situation will change and you may feel differently in the future) or to start looking for your next opportunity.

As you move forward in your career search, leave the hows to The Universe. Keep walking through the doors that are opening and stay focused on your vision of prosperity. Edwene Gaines, Queen of Prosperity wrote, “if there’s a desire in your heart, God is able!” In her book, “The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity, Edwene also recommends that we do the following to align our thoughts and life with abundance:

• Forgive everybody, all the time, for everything, especially yourself. See our post on Radical Forgiveness for help on this one! This might clear away any thoughts and judgments you are holding about your past financial behavior and choices!
• STOP complaining. Instead try saying, “that’s great” about everything. Not easy but that’s why they call it practice!
• Commit 100% to prospering. That way, there is no turning back and the only way to do it is THROUGH it!

Remember, as John Petit-Senn wrote, "Not what we have, but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” Times are tough all around right now and the way we think about money, prosperity and abundance is most likely going to have to change as our financial systems go through a transition unlike we have seen before. Redefining prosperity may help you move through this transition with grace and a positive outlook on your future.

Finally, we’d encourage you to be gentle with yourself and learn to love yourself where you are. You’ve come a LONG way as you’ve said and celebrating that is a great place to begin. Wanting more is The Universe’s way of nudging you along to your destiny of being even more prosperous. Spend some time thanking your self for making better choices and encourage her that the only way is indeed up!

Best of luck to you as you grow and prosper!

Peace, Oneness, Love & Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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A Sticky Sunday School Situation

 

Dear Soul Sisters,

I was recently asked to volunteer in my son's 2nd grade Sunday school class. I was shocked and disappointed by the behavior I observed. I have helped out in previous years with the same group of kids whose families I have come to know over the years. I brought this to the attention of the teacher who indicated she needed to meet kids where they are. I later sent an email to her offering to work with the kids during the summer to come up with some basic rules of respect explaining that discipline comes from the word disciple which means 'to teach'. I got no response for a while and then an invitation to attend a 2-day Sunday school teacher training. I signed up for the training but don't want to give the impression that I think I can do a better job. Was just trying to help. Please advise.

“Respect is love in plain clothes.” Frankie Byrne

Dear Just Trying to Help:

Thanks for your question. This is a tricky one! It sounds like there is a lot going on under the surface and many layers to consider. We hear your concern and appreciate your desire to instill the value of respect into the Sunday School environment.

First, your own child. If he was involved in behavior that you are uncomfortable with, it’s important that you convey to him your values and expectations about behavior in Sunday School (and in the world). Regardless of the teacher or everything else going on in the room, set aside some time to talk with him when both of you are calm and rested.

Express your feelings of disappointment without placing blame on him or the teacher (or anyone else). Then let him know what you expect in terms of Sunday School behavior. Again, in a positive and affirmative way. Make sure he understands why this is important to you and what the consequences will be for not meeting these expectations.

Set him up for success by making sure he has a good breakfast and – if possible – some free playtime before Sunday School starts. Get there early and play on the playground at your church (if there is one) or have him run around in your backyard for a while before you load up for church. Make a plan to do the same thing after church so while he is at Sunday School he knows that he is going to get a break soon.

As for the teacher and the classroom behavior, if you are willing and able to volunteer in the classroom every week, great. It sounds like you might bring a different perspective to the environment which might help to balance things out. We can't say for sure whether this is a situation where things are just out of control or whether the teacher truly believes that “meeting kids where they are” is the right thing to do. There are many different theories of education out there (just as there are with parenting) and one is the child-led model, where children have a great deal of freedom in the classroom by design.

If this is the case in your son's Sunday School classroom, you have to decide if you are comfortable with that or not. If not, it may mean holding your son out of Sunday School until next year when he may have a different teacher. If so, make the conscious decision to let go of whatever happens in the classroom, knowing the teacher is in control and simply has a different style than you are used to.

If you feel that the lack of classroom discipline is not by design, but because things are out of control, you may need to intervene; either by becoming a classroom volunteer and helping to bring order to the classroom or by requesting a meeting with the teacher and the head of education. You may also want to talk to the other parents, since it seems that you know them quite well, and mention your concerns to get their perspective.

If your heart encourages you to attend the training, we’d support you in giving it a try; it sounds like you feel strongly about wanting the kids to treat each other and the teacher more lovingly. Always a great goal! Before going in, say an affirmative prayer for the highest and best outcome for all.

When working in any group setting – even a church or spiritual center – there are always different dogmas and personalities operating. By reaching out to the teacher in email, you took an active step in sharing your thoughts. We can’t know for sure what her reaction was or why you received no response. As you were invited to the teacher training, it does seem like the door is open (albeit passively) for you to add your input, should you so choose.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, don't forget to spend some time in prayer on your own, ask God to send you a message or a sign about what is really going on in the classroom and what your ideal role is in this situation. Then listen to your heart and watch for signs.

If you feel excited at the prospect of being in the classroom, that may be a sign that this is the direction in which to go. On the other hand, if you speak to another parent and they say they love what is happening in the classroom, that may be a sign to wait and see. Oftentimes, kids settle down once they realize that the freedom they are being given is permanent and will not taken away.

If you do become the teacher's assistant, you will probably need to be ready to discuss the ways in which your teaching styles differ. In preparation for opening up the discussion, see if you can come up with a list of examples of what you saw. Express your feelings using “I” statements. (eg. I felt sad when I saw the kids yelling at each other.) When doing so, the people listening are less apt to take what you are saying personally or get defensive. Therefore, they can stay with you to work towards mutual understanding.

From there, you can explain how you’ve seen these kids interact at other times and know they can, and have, done better! Come ready to share some sample basic rules, like ‘Do unto others…” for example. In order to build consensus for your suggestion, it might be a great idea to ask the group to work together to come up with a list of behaviors they’d all like to see. You can keep it simple to start and aim for 2-3.

If it seems like the ideas and discussion are meeting with resistance, we’d suggest excusing yourself for a moment from the meeting. In the restroom (or someplace quiet) and listening to your heart. Does it feel safe to continue? Is this a group within which your voice can be heard and you can make positive change? Your inner truth will emerge and you’ll know what steps to take next.

Finally, remember that life is full of challenges and unideal situations. This may be a growth opportunity for your son and his classmates and may serve them on their journey in a way that you cannot see right now. It may also be one for you as you step forward and speak your truth in a new way. Every teacher we have, whether the relationship is easy or hard, teaches us something and helps us grow as people.

We see you surrounded with loving light as you step forward. Know that all is in Divine order now and always.

Peace, Oneness, Love and Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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