Feeling Guilty...

Dear Soul Sisters,

In May I went to Kauai with H. It was probably the worst vacation of my life - we are miles apart on almost everything. I won't go into details but truly, by the end of the vacation I was cursing under my breath constantly-I was also getting sick and I think the stress didn't help. We are scheduled to go to Honolulu together in Nov of this year. It is a big AA convention, so H would be at the convention much of the time. I can't do it! It was so miserable in Kauai I can't put myself through it again. H has had a very rough time in life and she is very angry and bossy and confrontational. I want to do this somehow with compassion and no blaming. Of course, I feel guilty because she doesn't have many friends and blah, blah, blah - So what do you suggest?

I have had several people tell me to just say that because of my health, (I truly was very sick), I  have be careful not to be around places where I could pick up bugs - I can't have any antibiotics for at least 2-3 yrs and maybe forever. Plane trips in Nov. should be a hotbed of germs, so the health thing is very real. This is my fallback position. Any ideas? 


Thanks Gals!!


Dear Feeling Guilty:

Thanks for your question and congrats on claiming your feelings! We hope you're bouncing back and taking care of yourself.

We’re so glad you brought up the G word; we hear how uncomfortable you're feeling. Guilt is one emotion many of us struggle with. It can rule our lives, take us places we'd never want to go (like Kauai!) and - as you know - adversely effect our physical and mental health.

In "Dr. Cat's Helping Handbook", Dr. Cat Saunders reminds us that there are two kinds of guilt: good guilt and “should” guilt. Good guilt keeps us from lying, stealing, or otherwise going against our personal system of ethics. A handy tool, good guilt comes up to keep us in line when we’re doing something we know is not aligned with our highest selves. “Should” guilt, on the other hand, stops us from doing what we want (or need) in the face of someone else's wishes. As we ignore our internal signals, “should” guilt dishonors ourselves.

To distinguish the two, ask yourself: “Did I break my own rules about my behavior? Or did I break someone else's rules about how they think I should act?” If the former, do what you need to do to get right with yourself and the person you hurt. If the latter, Dr. Cat says, “...rejoice, because [“should” guilt] could mean you've done something right!” By listening to yourself, and acting accordingly, you have honored yourself, your values, and your needs. And wouldn't you want other people to do the same?

It sounds to us like “should” guilt is at work here. Like many of us, you think you need an excuse or an alibi to "get out" of doing something. You're preparing evidence for the "judge" and praying you'll be released from your "sentence." But this is not necessary. The advice you’ve been given so far is sound (and true): going to Honolulu in November would not be good for your health for many reasons. The biggest one being YOU DON'T WANT TO GO. In going against yourself, you tell your body - and your spirit - that you don't matter, that what you want is not important and that other people’s needs (H’s) are more important than yours. This is not what your body needs to hear when healing from a serious illness; it needs to know that you love it, that you’ll take care of it, that you’re listening to it and doing what is best for it right now.

Yet, giving ourselves permission to say NO can be difficult. Many of us have learned to be people-pleasers; we make things comfortable for other people at our own expense but this pattern does not serve our highest good. As Anne Lamott says in her book, "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith": “No, is a complete sentence.” Write this on a piece of paper. Post it somewhere you’ll see it often to remind yourself that you have the right to say NO to any request, at any time, for any reason. Yes, you want to do it with as much kindness and compassion as you can muster, but doing it is the key. For yourself. For the other person. For all of us. Only when we allow ourselves to be free from the constraints of “should” can we offer the same freedom to others.

But how do you communicate – with compassion – that you aren’t going with H. in November? Start with setting your intention. Pray, ask the Universe or whatever your personal practice is. We like asking that "the highest and best outcome emerge for all involved.” That way, Source is in charge of the HOW and we keep our monkey-mind out of it as much as possible!

Then, just do it. Tell H that you feel going on this trip would be detrimental to your health and that you aren't going to go. It's hard for someone to argue with your feelings although it sounds like H might try. She may become angry, belligerent or even "break up" with you. While that may be hard and the pain of loss and change hurts, it seems you're at the point where NOT changing hurts more. When we start expressing ourselves in new ways it takes practice. You aren't always going to put it perfectly and people may act out in response. That's okay. That is their work should they choose to accept it!

Here's a new take on the Serenity Prayer that you might find helpful as this situation unfolds:

"Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know that person is me."

Finally, we’d suggest doing some forgiveness work. It sounds like H has hurt you quite a bit. Once you allow yourself to get out of the trip, you may have some feelings you want to deal with. Colin Tipping is our forgiveness guru. He has written a wonderful book about forgiveness called "Radical Forgiveness". In it, Colin shares many tools for forgiveness that we have found highly beneficial. One we suggest you try is called, “The Three Letters.”

In this forgiveness tool, you write three letters to H, none of which you send. In the first letter, you really let H have it, get all of your feelings out as raw as they come. In the second letter, you temper your perspective a bit, taking into account H's background and any mitigating circumstances, but still placing the blame fully on her shoulders. In the third letter, you attempt what Colin calls a “reframe.” Here you choose to see everything in this situation as a Divine gift and you recognize what you have received or learned from this situation, both in the past and in the present. By getting all of your feelings out, taking the other person’s perspective into account and finding the “gift” in the experience, you are able to move on more easily. Forgiveness might seem like a tall order at this point, but it’s “radical” and oh so freeing!

As you move forward, be kind to yourself and know all IS in Divine order. We see you as healed, whole, healthy and FREE!!!

Peace, Oneness, Love and Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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