Faithful Children Without Church

Dear Soul Sisters:

How do I make sure my young boys develop a strong relationship with God in the absence of "traditional" formal church-based education?

“We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching." Roy L. Smith

Dear Faithful Father:

Thanks for your question. As many of us feel disillusioned with traditional religion and its dogma, it’s a timely one for our modern world. Yes, we have a hole in our lives and our society where the church and its community once stood. As you know, this can feel huge, especially to our children, who need to know that they are loved, cared for and watched over by something beyond themselves.

That's where you come in. Who you are and how you are - day in and day out - will teach your boys more than any Sunday school ever could. The best way you can show your children the love of God is by loving them unfailingly and unconditionally whenever and however you can. God loves you and you love them. Although this may not come across overtly, it will come across.

The greatest gift you can give your kids is YOU! Take a look at your schedule and see how much unstructured playtime you have with your boys. In hectic, day-to-day life, it's easy to get caught up in all the "have-tos," but in the end, none of that will matter as much as love. We like how John Bowring puts it, “A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” And isn't that what you're trying to give them?

Next, share your faith with your children. Even if you no longer attend formal services, you likely have beliefs that guide your spirituality and your life. If you don't – or if these feel far away or nebulous to you – spend some time yourself over the next few weeks defining terms and reconnecting with what you believe.

Who is God to you? What is your relationship like with him/her? Do you see God as a lofty, bearded father-figure watching over you or is she alive and evident in the birds, trees and oceans? Do you feel God operating in your daily life or experience? Where, when and how does faith impact your actions?

To help answer these, we'd suggest spending some time alone in meditation and prayer. Connect more deeply into your own faith. Feel where it comes from and where it most wants to grow. We're certain the more you do this, the more faith-FULL your attitude and actions around your home - and towards your children - will be. By knowing more about your God and yourself, you'll be a beacon of faith for your boys.

“The great people of the earth today are the people who pray! I do not mean those who talk about prayer; nor those who say they believe in prayer; nor those who explain prayer; but I mean those who actually take the time to pray. They have not time. It must be taken from something else. That something else is important, very important and pressing, but still, less important and pressing than prayer. There are people who put prayer first, and group the other items in life's schedule around and after prayer..." S.D. Gordon

If you are finding that the religion you grew up with doesn't feed you anymore, but you would like to get back into the ritual of "going to church," maybe it's time to try something new. Try attending services of other denominations or faiths and see what speaks to you now. Keep reaching out, keep searching until you find something that resonates. Get the kids involved if they have a youth program or have them attend services with you from time to time.

Once your own spiritual practice has deepened, share it formally with your family. Set aside some time each week – or each day – to spend spiritual time with your children. Pray together, express gratitude, or read a spiritual text together in a ritual that you establish. Any of the children's books by John J. Muth are great jumping off points for family devotional time together. These simple stories of friendship and spirituality leave a lasting impact on readers young and old.  "The Three Questions" is especially good. To get your kids to participate more willingly, let them help chose and create the ritual. As Mom always said, “the family that prays together stays together.”

Then also do it informally. By making the conscious choice to live your truth, you set an amazing example for your children. Don't lie, steal, or otherwise compromise your values now that little eyes and ears are watching. Hold yourself to your highest standards and lead by example. Children really do learn more from what we do than what we say. This poem by Dorothy Law Nolte says it best:

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticism,
 he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
 he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear,
 he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity, 
he learns to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with ridicule, 
he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,
 he learns what envy is.

If a child lives with shame,
 he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with encouragement, 
he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with tolerance,
 he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with praise,
 he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance, 
he learns to love.

If a child lives with approval,
 he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition,
 he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with sharing, 
he learns about generosity.

If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
 he learns what truth and justice are.

If a child lives with security,
 he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.

If a child lives with friendliness, 
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If you live with serenity, 
your child will live with peace of mind.

When stress arises in your life, the lives of your children, or of someone you know, talk about it with your children in a spiritual context. Let them know how your spirituality informs your take on the situation and how you would - or are going to - handle it. As you face challenges, trials and tragedies, be honest when your faith and spirituality wane. Ask your children how they would handle it, how they think God would want them to handle it, and help them to align the two.

As life goes on, don't neglect your spiritual path. Remember, that’s why they call it “practice.” Make sure you are tending your spirit on a regular basis, keeping it strong and healthy so that you can reflect that for your children. Lead by example and they will have a strong faith, almost by osmosis.

And finally, we'll leave you with this: you'll do all you can to be the best parent, coach and spiritual guide you can be. In the end, your boys are unique souls. They may or may not share the same faith as you do. They may reject God or embrace him. Parenthood is not always an easy journey and one you clearly aren’t taking lightly. Know that you are doing the best you can where you are with what you’ve got. The same is true for them. Now and always.

Peace, Oneness, Love and Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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