Faithful Children Without Church

Dear Soul Sisters:

How do I make sure my young boys develop a strong relationship with God in the absence of "traditional" formal church-based education?

“We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching." Roy L. Smith

Dear Faithful Father:

Thanks for your question. As many of us feel disillusioned with traditional religion and its dogma, it’s a timely one for our modern world. Yes, we have a hole in our lives and our society where the church and its community once stood. As you know, this can feel huge, especially to our children, who need to know that they are loved, cared for and watched over by something beyond themselves.

That's where you come in. Who you are and how you are - day in and day out - will teach your boys more than any Sunday school ever could. The best way you can show your children the love of God is by loving them unfailingly and unconditionally whenever and however you can. God loves you and you love them. Although this may not come across overtly, it will come across.

The greatest gift you can give your kids is YOU! Take a look at your schedule and see how much unstructured playtime you have with your boys. In hectic, day-to-day life, it's easy to get caught up in all the "have-tos," but in the end, none of that will matter as much as love. We like how John Bowring puts it, “A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” And isn't that what you're trying to give them?

Next, share your faith with your children. Even if you no longer attend formal services, you likely have beliefs that guide your spirituality and your life. If you don't – or if these feel far away or nebulous to you – spend some time yourself over the next few weeks defining terms and reconnecting with what you believe.

Who is God to you? What is your relationship like with him/her? Do you see God as a lofty, bearded father-figure watching over you or is she alive and evident in the birds, trees and oceans? Do you feel God operating in your daily life or experience? Where, when and how does faith impact your actions?

To help answer these, we'd suggest spending some time alone in meditation and prayer. Connect more deeply into your own faith. Feel where it comes from and where it most wants to grow. We're certain the more you do this, the more faith-FULL your attitude and actions around your home - and towards your children - will be. By knowing more about your God and yourself, you'll be a beacon of faith for your boys.

“The great people of the earth today are the people who pray! I do not mean those who talk about prayer; nor those who say they believe in prayer; nor those who explain prayer; but I mean those who actually take the time to pray. They have not time. It must be taken from something else. That something else is important, very important and pressing, but still, less important and pressing than prayer. There are people who put prayer first, and group the other items in life's schedule around and after prayer..." S.D. Gordon

If you are finding that the religion you grew up with doesn't feed you anymore, but you would like to get back into the ritual of "going to church," maybe it's time to try something new. Try attending services of other denominations or faiths and see what speaks to you now. Keep reaching out, keep searching until you find something that resonates. Get the kids involved if they have a youth program or have them attend services with you from time to time.

Once your own spiritual practice has deepened, share it formally with your family. Set aside some time each week – or each day – to spend spiritual time with your children. Pray together, express gratitude, or read a spiritual text together in a ritual that you establish. Any of the children's books by John J. Muth are great jumping off points for family devotional time together. These simple stories of friendship and spirituality leave a lasting impact on readers young and old.  "The Three Questions" is especially good. To get your kids to participate more willingly, let them help chose and create the ritual. As Mom always said, “the family that prays together stays together.”

Then also do it informally. By making the conscious choice to live your truth, you set an amazing example for your children. Don't lie, steal, or otherwise compromise your values now that little eyes and ears are watching. Hold yourself to your highest standards and lead by example. Children really do learn more from what we do than what we say. This poem by Dorothy Law Nolte says it best:

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticism,
 he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
 he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear,
 he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity, 
he learns to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with ridicule, 
he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,
 he learns what envy is.

If a child lives with shame,
 he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with encouragement, 
he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with tolerance,
 he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with praise,
 he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance, 
he learns to love.

If a child lives with approval,
 he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition,
 he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with sharing, 
he learns about generosity.

If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
 he learns what truth and justice are.

If a child lives with security,
 he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.

If a child lives with friendliness, 
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If you live with serenity, 
your child will live with peace of mind.

When stress arises in your life, the lives of your children, or of someone you know, talk about it with your children in a spiritual context. Let them know how your spirituality informs your take on the situation and how you would - or are going to - handle it. As you face challenges, trials and tragedies, be honest when your faith and spirituality wane. Ask your children how they would handle it, how they think God would want them to handle it, and help them to align the two.

As life goes on, don't neglect your spiritual path. Remember, that’s why they call it “practice.” Make sure you are tending your spirit on a regular basis, keeping it strong and healthy so that you can reflect that for your children. Lead by example and they will have a strong faith, almost by osmosis.

And finally, we'll leave you with this: you'll do all you can to be the best parent, coach and spiritual guide you can be. In the end, your boys are unique souls. They may or may not share the same faith as you do. They may reject God or embrace him. Parenthood is not always an easy journey and one you clearly aren’t taking lightly. Know that you are doing the best you can where you are with what you’ve got. The same is true for them. Now and always.

Peace, Oneness, Love and Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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Why are we here?

Dear Soul Sisters,

Here's an age old question on which I'd love to hear your thoughts: Why are we here? In other words, what is the purpose of our being in a body?

Thanks,

-Pondering in New York

"There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle." Deepak Chopra

Dear Pondering:

Thanks for a great question - what a biggie! Our first thought is, “How can we possibly answer that???” Facing the existential dilemma can feel overwhelming at first, especially because we can never “know” for sure we have it right. It's been around as long as we have for a reason! 



So, given that, what do we do? We try as best we can – as mankind has done since the beginning of time – to come up with an answer that makes sense to us. At Dear Soul Sisters, we believe most religions, philosophies and teachers have pieces of the puzzle you can use as a stepping stones to YOUR ultimate truth. It makes perfect sense to us that if we’re all part of one unified whole, each of us carries a unique part of that whole and takes an individual path to the Truth. We wouldn’t have it any other way!

Here's what we believe: we're here in bodies because we, as spirits, chose to take on human form. Not always an easy journey, being flesh and blood is advanced spiritual work. Earth school is kinda like New York; it's crowded, noisy, densely populated and full of distractions. Taking time to go within and hear the still small voice requires discipline, self-control and dedication to consciousness.

In episode 42 of his monthly podcast "The Tobolowsky Files," legendary character actor Stephen Tobolowsky talks about “the moment before zero,” which is basically the moment before creation occurred. He calls this the moment of magic and imagination and goes on to say, “If zero is the place where the physical world begins then the moment before zero is the place of angels and demons, the starting point of the soul...Finding and returning to zero is a skill that cannot be underestimated...”

We couldn't agree more. Sitting still and listening to your inner voice, the voice of God or The Universe, speak through you is – we believe - the best way to answer this question for yourself. If you don't already have one, we would suggest starting a meditation practice. If you do practice meditation already, perhaps now is the time to kick it up a notch, challenge yourself – sit for longer, sit more often or try a different style and see what opens up for you.

Here are some resources that have shone light on the question for us:

"The Disappearance of the Universe" by Gary Renard – in 1992 Gary was visited by two spirits from the beyond who answered his questions about life, the universe, sex and death. He chronicled his journey with them over the course of 10 years in this book, which we believe gives a real glimpse into the world beyond this one. While it may not contain any absolute truths, it offers more data for our discovery.

"A Course in Miracles" – channeled in the 70's by Helen Schucman, ACIM is purported to be an alternate translation of the Bible sent from Jesus to correct the mis-perceptions of mankind about his life and teachings. Its intent, as stated in the Preface is, "to provide a way in which some people will be able to find their own Internal Teacher." The Course does this through a series of daily exercises – one for each day of the year – designed to retrain the mind. You work with each lesson for 24 hours (or longer) and then move on to the next one. Transformative and life-changing! Look around your area for courses in “The Course,” as it is known, or perhaps join a group for deeper discussions.

Jo Dunning is an energy healer who assists others in transforming their lives. In addition to trainings and retreats, Jo offers free teleconferences, prayer lists, and radio replays making her gifts accessible to all. She believes we are here on Earth now to witness - and participate in - the evolution of human consciousness to that of Divine Consciousness. That is, our remembering that we are Divine beings in human form. Having experienced the transforming power of Jo's energy first-hand, we can’t recommended her enough!

Barbara Marx Hubbard writes, teaches and speaks though the Foundation for Conscious Evolution. She says, “So, the path of the co-creator is to be awakened spiritually within, which then turns into your own deeper life purpose, which then makes you want to reach out and touch others in a way that expresses self and really evolves our communities and our world. Certainly, we can't do that unless we activate ourselves first. That's why, for me, emergence is the shift from ego to essence. That is so important.” Barbara believes that in “shifting,” we can grow into a more enlightened society, one built on principles of sustainability, peace, health, and prosperity. We sure hope so!

Here’s Abraham-Hick's take on it for you:

Jim Self, Mastering Alchemy teacher, puts it this way, "Just like...when the Creator said, 'I have this new idea. You're going to go down into the dark, you're gonna put a bag over your head. You're gonna bump around and you're not going to really know where you are and you're going to find your way home and I'm looking for volunteers. And everyone one of you pushed your way to the front of the line and said, 'Send me' and the Creator smiled at you and here you are."

Miracles happen every day. Quantum physics gives concrete evidence of thought influencing matter. We are all spiritual beings having a spiritual experience in a human body. As we awaken to these truths, they often bring up more questions than they answer. Luckily, there are plenty of others in the same boat trying to make sense of it all; we can support each other in our journey home, wherever that ultimately may be.

Finally, we would like to leave you with the following piece of advice from Anna Pulley "...accept the non-knowing. There’s great power in not knowing, some might say the greatest. It doesn’t mean ignorance, or tuning out, or losing your self-awareness. It simply means finding joy, not anxiety, in life’s inconsistencies and mysteries...."

Happy awakening & enjoy life in human form. We've got juicy watermelon, newborn babies, mind-blowing sex and bottlenose dolphins to remind us of how good God made it here for us!

Peace, Oneness, Love and Light to you as you continue on this fabulous journey we call life in search of YOUR ultimate truth.

Lara & Jennifer

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Feeling Guilty...

Dear Soul Sisters,

In May I went to Kauai with H. It was probably the worst vacation of my life - we are miles apart on almost everything. I won't go into details but truly, by the end of the vacation I was cursing under my breath constantly-I was also getting sick and I think the stress didn't help. We are scheduled to go to Honolulu together in Nov of this year. It is a big AA convention, so H would be at the convention much of the time. I can't do it! It was so miserable in Kauai I can't put myself through it again. H has had a very rough time in life and she is very angry and bossy and confrontational. I want to do this somehow with compassion and no blaming. Of course, I feel guilty because she doesn't have many friends and blah, blah, blah - So what do you suggest?

I have had several people tell me to just say that because of my health, (I truly was very sick), I  have be careful not to be around places where I could pick up bugs - I can't have any antibiotics for at least 2-3 yrs and maybe forever. Plane trips in Nov. should be a hotbed of germs, so the health thing is very real. This is my fallback position. Any ideas? 


Thanks Gals!!


Dear Feeling Guilty:

Thanks for your question and congrats on claiming your feelings! We hope you're bouncing back and taking care of yourself.

We’re so glad you brought up the G word; we hear how uncomfortable you're feeling. Guilt is one emotion many of us struggle with. It can rule our lives, take us places we'd never want to go (like Kauai!) and - as you know - adversely effect our physical and mental health.

In "Dr. Cat's Helping Handbook", Dr. Cat Saunders reminds us that there are two kinds of guilt: good guilt and “should” guilt. Good guilt keeps us from lying, stealing, or otherwise going against our personal system of ethics. A handy tool, good guilt comes up to keep us in line when we’re doing something we know is not aligned with our highest selves. “Should” guilt, on the other hand, stops us from doing what we want (or need) in the face of someone else's wishes. As we ignore our internal signals, “should” guilt dishonors ourselves.

To distinguish the two, ask yourself: “Did I break my own rules about my behavior? Or did I break someone else's rules about how they think I should act?” If the former, do what you need to do to get right with yourself and the person you hurt. If the latter, Dr. Cat says, “...rejoice, because [“should” guilt] could mean you've done something right!” By listening to yourself, and acting accordingly, you have honored yourself, your values, and your needs. And wouldn't you want other people to do the same?

It sounds to us like “should” guilt is at work here. Like many of us, you think you need an excuse or an alibi to "get out" of doing something. You're preparing evidence for the "judge" and praying you'll be released from your "sentence." But this is not necessary. The advice you’ve been given so far is sound (and true): going to Honolulu in November would not be good for your health for many reasons. The biggest one being YOU DON'T WANT TO GO. In going against yourself, you tell your body - and your spirit - that you don't matter, that what you want is not important and that other people’s needs (H’s) are more important than yours. This is not what your body needs to hear when healing from a serious illness; it needs to know that you love it, that you’ll take care of it, that you’re listening to it and doing what is best for it right now.

Yet, giving ourselves permission to say NO can be difficult. Many of us have learned to be people-pleasers; we make things comfortable for other people at our own expense but this pattern does not serve our highest good. As Anne Lamott says in her book, "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith": “No, is a complete sentence.” Write this on a piece of paper. Post it somewhere you’ll see it often to remind yourself that you have the right to say NO to any request, at any time, for any reason. Yes, you want to do it with as much kindness and compassion as you can muster, but doing it is the key. For yourself. For the other person. For all of us. Only when we allow ourselves to be free from the constraints of “should” can we offer the same freedom to others.

But how do you communicate – with compassion – that you aren’t going with H. in November? Start with setting your intention. Pray, ask the Universe or whatever your personal practice is. We like asking that "the highest and best outcome emerge for all involved.” That way, Source is in charge of the HOW and we keep our monkey-mind out of it as much as possible!

Then, just do it. Tell H that you feel going on this trip would be detrimental to your health and that you aren't going to go. It's hard for someone to argue with your feelings although it sounds like H might try. She may become angry, belligerent or even "break up" with you. While that may be hard and the pain of loss and change hurts, it seems you're at the point where NOT changing hurts more. When we start expressing ourselves in new ways it takes practice. You aren't always going to put it perfectly and people may act out in response. That's okay. That is their work should they choose to accept it!

Here's a new take on the Serenity Prayer that you might find helpful as this situation unfolds:

"Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know that person is me."

Finally, we’d suggest doing some forgiveness work. It sounds like H has hurt you quite a bit. Once you allow yourself to get out of the trip, you may have some feelings you want to deal with. Colin Tipping is our forgiveness guru. He has written a wonderful book about forgiveness called "Radical Forgiveness". In it, Colin shares many tools for forgiveness that we have found highly beneficial. One we suggest you try is called, “The Three Letters.”

In this forgiveness tool, you write three letters to H, none of which you send. In the first letter, you really let H have it, get all of your feelings out as raw as they come. In the second letter, you temper your perspective a bit, taking into account H's background and any mitigating circumstances, but still placing the blame fully on her shoulders. In the third letter, you attempt what Colin calls a “reframe.” Here you choose to see everything in this situation as a Divine gift and you recognize what you have received or learned from this situation, both in the past and in the present. By getting all of your feelings out, taking the other person’s perspective into account and finding the “gift” in the experience, you are able to move on more easily. Forgiveness might seem like a tall order at this point, but it’s “radical” and oh so freeing!

As you move forward, be kind to yourself and know all IS in Divine order. We see you as healed, whole, healthy and FREE!!!

Peace, Oneness, Love and Light,

Jennifer & Lara

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Grace after Grief?

Hi Soul Sisters-
 

I found my love, my husband - the one, soul mate, friend, lover - he died after 12 entirely too short years. How do you reinvent yourself after that? I have spent the past three years trying to heal, move forward, move on, be content, be peaceful... any of the above. Now I just hope to live my life with some degree of grace & even that seems monumental... 
  

"The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. Beautiful people do not just happen." Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Dear Grace:

 

We are so sorry for your loss. As you have experienced, heartbreak and grief of that magnitude takes time, patience and amazing grace to heal. It travels with you, a line in the sand of your life. Before and after, you are never the same. In that paradox, though, lies the key to moving on. You are not alone, your husband is with you and your souls shall be forever joined. Talk with him, laugh with him, cry with him and know, you are together in spirit.



Sometimes, however, a lack of grace is warranted. When a tragic event occurs, we need to give ourselves time and space – not to mention permission – to cry, wail and bemoan the unfairness of it all. If you have not yet allowed yourself this – because you were holding it together, taking care of others, or just doing what you thought was expected of you – make time for it now.

As you've no doubt experienced, grief can be incredibly isolating. We can't imagine that anyone knows what we're feeling and it's true. But there are others who've gone through something similar. If it feels right to you, do a google search for "bereavement" in your city and look for a support group. You need not heal through this alone and sharing your story might inspire you - and them - to get moving.

From a spiritual perspective, of course, we are never alone. Yet we often forget to ask for help. Try sharing your feelings with God, Source, The Universe or whatever name you use for the Divine life force. Direct dialog and turning the pain over is one way to find relief from feeling that it's "yours" to bear in silence and solitude. 

We'd suggest reading Marianne Williamson's book "A Return to Love" in which she wonders why she forgets to go to God. A daily prayer practice is a great way to stay connected and keep our human selves from playing Superman/woman.

You've had the opportunity to meet, love and live with your "one" as human beings. Your gratitude for your life together is your greatest gift for reinventing yourself. Because your heart has been opened by love and loss you are forever changed. His death showed you the depth of your connection and your capacity to feel pain in a way few can imagine. You are now awake to life's fragility. You've learned it comes with no guarantee. This moment may be your last. Or ours. In that, there is incredible freedom if we can harness it.



Give yourself the gift of you. You've had an incredibly painful experience and you've grown from the inside out. Take time to appreciate the woman who has walked that path. You're here and you're stronger than you know for surviving. Be gentle with yourself about where you are and see if you can find enthusiasm about where you're headed. If you're at a loss, take your inner-child on a play date. Go to the park, swing on the swings, run through the grass or jump in a cool mountain lake. Ride a bike, roller-blade or whatever makes your soul sing. We sometimes forget about joy, awe and wonder but our little ones never do!


Re-examine your time, your priorities, your relationships and your energy. Where are you putting it? Does it feed you or drain you? Is there something you've always wanted to try but haven't? Dance, sing, skydive or ride a camel across the desert. Whatever your BIG dream is, do it now. Find others who share your enthusiasm. Join a club, take a class, or sign up for a group travel experience. Meetup.com is great for connecting people who share common interests.

Finally we would say, don't give up on love. Often when someone loses their soul mate they shut down, thinking, “that's it for me.” But we don't believe The Universe gives us only one shot at true love. Soul mates come in many shapes and sizes and another kind of love may await you should you desire it. This does not diminish what you had with your husband; in fact, we would say it affirms it. Loving him – and losing him – has opened your heart in a way few of us experience. A broken heart, given time to heal, is stronger in many ways than one that's never been broken. Once you have truly grieved this loss, you may find you have MORE love to give than ever before. We hope so!

 Blessings to you as you move forward.

Peace, oneness, love and light,



Jennifer & Lara







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